Throne of Glass - Deconstruction - Ch20

[rainwaterspark]

Last time on Throne of Glass, Celaena threw a hissy fit and Kaltain was more sympathetic by comparison.

Chapter 20

Celaena closed her book and sighed. What a terrible ending.

Because the narrative can’t stop reminding us that Celaena is a bookworm. Also, this has no relation to the rest of the paragraph that follows.

She monologues to herself about her falling out with Chaol, which kind of succeeds in giving her a little more depth and a genuine flaw, but this is also starting to read like your generic opportunity for romantic tension.

And she’d called him all sorts of nasty things. Did he trust her or hate her? Celaena looked at her hands and realized she had wrung them so badly that her fingers were red. How had she gone from the most feared prisoner in Endovier to this sappy mess?

Thank goodness for the lampshading, because this paragraph would’ve been unbearable otherwise.

Celaena practically sounds like a schoolgirl dealing with her first boyfriend. Yes, it’s nice that she’s acknowledging that she’s been mean to one of the only people who have been nice to her (although the narrative doesn’t quite put it like that), but this also reads like Celaena is worried about having lost Chaol’s approval. Either stop caring or stop throwing temper tantrums, then.

She had greater matters to worry about—like the Test tomorrow. And this dead champion.

Yeah, in the face of those things she really shouldn’t be worried about her not-love life.

She’d already altered the hinges on all her doors so that they squealed loudly any time they opened.

…How? I don’t know what you’d need to accomplish this, but I’m thinking you’d need screwdrivers or metalworking tools, and I don’t see how Celaena could’ve gotten access to anything like that.

And she’d managed to embed some stolen sewing needles into a bar of soap for a makeshift, miniature pike.

Between this and the (useless) hairpin pokey weapon, it sounds like Celaena is really horrible at improvising weapons. At best, you might be able to blind someone with this…soap-needle “pike” if you aim for the eyes, but otherwise you’re pretty much dead. She might as well use the billiard sticks instead, or even the furniture.

For all her babbling about how she was trained in using every single weapon imaginable, shouldn't she be trained in barehanded combat? That’s a no-brainer. She should’ve also been trained in disarming her opponents. Which is not to say that Celaena shouldn’t be worried about this mystery murderer, because she should, and I’m glad the book acknowledges that, but then again she’s also supposed to be the best assassin on the continent.

Celaena eyed the pianoforte. She used to play—oh, she’d loved to play, loved music

I will refer you back to my discussion of the absurdity of a street orphan-turned-assassin ever having learned to play the piano in Chapter 8.

She had been good once—perhaps better than good. Arobynn Hamel made her play for him whenever they saw each other.

As a former not-very-good pianist, I am ragefacepalming so hard. Becoming competent, let alone good, at an instrument takes many hours of practice and dedication. And WTF at Arobynn forcing her to play? When would either of them have had time for this? WHY DOES HE CARE??!

She thinks to herself about Arobynn and Sam, apparently a former lover, and talks about how maybe they would’ve saved her. (Apparently Sam is dead.) For a “badass assassin,” Celaena sure does play a convincing damsel in distress.

Celaena plays some music—really well, despite having not touched a piano for at least a year and seriously, screw this.

…And, of course, Dorian appears and is utterly enthralled by her piano playing. How convenient. Celaena meanwhile has turned red due to his appearance, and gee is this “Queen of the Underworld” prone to blushing around the son of the guy she hates.

She was of surprisingly average height. He glanced down at her form. Average height aside, her curves were enticing.

BLEHEHURGH.

More attempts at “witty banter” follow, and Celaena continues to act the part of the blushing maiden. This characterization really sucks. What happened to our sociopathic, bloodthirsty assassin here? Is this really the same character?

More dull conversation. Dorian asks about Chaol and whether Celaena was lonely…because the book can’t stop harping about how despite her (reputed) badassery, Celaena is secretly a vulnerable, sensitive Broken Bird who needs to be comforted by her manly prince. (Also, Dorian wants to touch her hair to see how “silky” it is. What is he, five??)

They get into an argument because Celaena doesn’t want to sleep with Dorian (at least she brought it up first and not him)…and despite the sudden show of anger, decide to continue their conversation because Dorian is having “fun.” I have no idea what’s going on anymore.

“I’m not some odd commodity that you can gawk at!” She stepped closer. “I’m not some carnival exhibit, and you won’t use me as part of some unfulfilled desire for adventure and excitement! Which is undoubtedly why you chose me to be your Champion.”

Celaena keeps getting these rants to assert her “power” and “independence,” but they feel extremely misplaced with all of her Broken Bird scenes and the passages in which she flirts with the guards. And the fact that the book keeps winking and trying to nudge these two together. You know, I complain a lot about bad writing, but it takes a lot for me to call writing amateurish. But the writing in this book is amateurish, what with all of the blatantly inconsistent characterization and really mediocre dialogue.

I’ve been reading this book on and off for one or two months now, and my memory of the beginning is getting hazy (already), but what was the reason for Dorian’s choosing Celaena to compete again?

Dorian is actually stunned by her rant, though I’m not sure why, because it wasn’t even particularly well articulated. Apparently Celaena thinks he came by just because he wanted to sleep with her. It’s not clear whether she’s right or not.

It was his turn to blush. Had she ever been scolded by anyone like this? His parents and tutors perhaps, but certainly not a young woman.

Eh. Dorian grew up in a very male-dominated household (domineering father, younger brother, no sisters or aunts or female cousins in residence, flighty mother), and all of the ways in which he interacts with women his age so far has always been to flirt/sleep with them. If he’d grown up with, say, an older sister, he wouldn’t be so strung up about how a “young woman” is wailing on him verbally. He’s just been living a sheltered life. Then again, the narrative keeps wanting us to think how Speshul and Unique Celaena is because she’s the “only” one who can talk down Prince Ladykiller here.

“My dear prince,” she drawled, examining her nails, “you’re alone in my rooms. The hallway door is very far away. I can say whatever I wish.”

I actually like this line from Celaena, which makes it all the more infuriating that 90% of the dialogue is dull and trite and the rest of her characterization is so inconsistent. If she were a witty genuine badass, the book would’ve been decent to entertaining. Cut out the sexism and bloated writing on top of that, and add the barest minimum of common sense, and this book could’ve been good, even with the godawful romance and stab-my-eyes-out love triangle included.

Her cheeks were flushed, making her blue eyes even brighter. Did she know what he might have wanted to do with her if she wasn’t an assassin?

…And any warm fuzzy feelings I might have started to feel for this book are rapidly slipping away. Screw you, Dorian.

Dorian asks about Celaena’s former lover, which instantly shuts her down.

She looked at him, smiling sadly. “He died.”
“When?” he got out. He would have never teased her like that, never said a damn word if he’d known…
Her words were strangled as she said, “Thirteen months ago.”
A glimmer of pain flashed across her face, so real and endless that he felt it in his gut. “I’m sorry,” he breathed.
She shrugged, as if it could somehow diminish the grief he still saw in her eyes, shining so bright in the firelight.

Yep. Because we can’t forget that Celaena is secretly a Broken Bird who’s vulnerable and lonely and full of pain inside. Screw you, Book.