Throne of Glass - Deconstruction - Ch34

[rainwaterspark]

Chapter 34

This time on Throne of Glass, Celaena’s on her period and dealing with cramps.

Sorry to any cis guys who might be reading this. That might’ve been a little TMI.

Celaena explains this by saying that her period disappeared while she was starving during her stay in Endovier, and now that she’s been gorging herself, they’ve come back. Which I suppose makes sense, if we accept the illogical premise that she ate really well and wasn’t poor as an assassin.

Chaol shows up and has no idea what’s wrong with her. He starts waxing lyrical about the rebels and maybe he’s wrong about the Eyllwians and maybe he’s just about to confess his love for Celaena (KILL ME NOW) when she finally tells him what’s up with her and he leaves in a hurry.

Later on, Dorian appears, because somehow despite the fact that he’s grown up in a completely male-dominated household, he’s not squicked out by periods at all. SCREW YOU, NONSENICAL BOOK. (AND SCREW YOU, LOVE TRIANGLE.)

Anyway, he’s trying to talk to her when she’s curled up in agony, so she throws a book at him to make him go away. It breaks his nose, or so the narrative tells us.

…I’m guessing that’ll magically heal in the next chapter. Also, there isn’t even any mention that Dorian is in pain or that his nose is swelling or bleeding.

Sometimes she hated being a woman.

I can understand that sentiment when you’re riddled with cramps, but on top of the rest of the sexism in this book this just seems ironic.

She still manages to trade “witty” exchanges with Dorian, so I guess her pain isn’t that severe.

she enjoyed watching him, too.

GAAAAAAHHHHHH

“You’re beautiful,” Dorian said

Book, if I die of rage while reading you, I’m charging the author my funeral fees.

Celaena blushes AGAIN, and ARGH.

The book has been talking about Yulemas for some time now, which is obviously an equivalent to Christmas. I should take this moment to mention that Yule is originally a Northern European (i.e. Scandinavian) holiday that got subsumed under Christmas. So Adarlan “borrowed” a Gaelic seasonal festival and a Nordic holiday/term for Christmas. What is consistency anymore.

Dorian, because he’s a Good Guy, also feels bad about the massacre.

And how could he someday rule a country whose soldiers had been trained to have so little compassion for human life?

SERIOUSLY, BOOK, GO DIE IN A PIT.

If soldiers are “trained” to have “little compassion for human life,” it’s because they’re either in a total war and subject to extremely stressful and traumatizing situations (which doesn’t seem to be the case here), or because they’ve been encouraged to dehumanize others based on racial/religious/whatever background. In which case, Dorian, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

I’m completely sick of the way the soldiers are treated as the problem.

Also, because Dorian is Deep and Full of Feelings, he rambles about how he’s “ashamed” of the “frivolity” and “mindlessness” of the court. Book, if I actually cared about Dorian as a character in any capacity, I might be moved, but since I don't, stop trying to convince me he’s the greatest thing ever.

“I understand why you have such ease when killing my kind. And I don’t blame you for it.”

“My kind”? What are they, different species?? Oh, and now you’re going to excuse MURDER, Dorian?! “Oh Celaena, it’s totally okay for you to go around killing my future subjects because the nobles are all so mindless and frivolous and the soldiers execute rebels!”

NO. JUST NO, BOOK. I don’t care what sort of screwed-up morality you have, THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Now for a bit of meta-commentary: The squandered potential in this book is absolutely astonishing. When I read stories about assassins, I want either mindless entertainment featuring assassins being badass or thoughtful explorations about how an assassin psychologically handles his/her line of work. If you’re going to have neither of the above, like Throne of Glass, seriously, why even bother making your protagonist an assassin? And if you’re going to “justify” the protagonist’s choice to be an assassin by saying he/she only “kills” those who “deserve it,” I call a scam. (What, you don’t think the people who go on mass shooting sprees and kill innocent people and children thought they were justified, too?)

This is the first instance in which another character (a character who we’re supposed to like, who is the Designated Love Interest) justifies/accepts Celaena’s murderous profession. Before this, it had just been comments from her own POV, so I can excuse that as bad writing/personal bias. But this…this is not excusable.

Dorian continues to ramble about Celaena’s tragic past and Adarlan is EVIL for conquering other countries. He talks about how terrible his father’s actions are but *he can’t do anything about it*, and he chose Celaena to be his champion because he was too cowardly not to choose a champion and disobey his father.

…I mean, what would his father have done if he’d refused to sponsor a champion? His father has been nasty to him, yes (although not unreasonably from what little we’ve seen), but it doesn’t seem like his father has ever seriously punished him. Removing him from the line of succession is the worst I can think of, but that’s grossly out of proportion to the “crime” of not sponsoring a champion.

“I don’t hate you,” she said

JUST LAST CHAPTER YOU SAID YOU HATED THE HAVILLIARDS, CELAENA.

When I started deconstructing this book, I thought I was in for some lulz, but I didn’t realize I would be reading a book in which the author can’t even keep the characters consistent for more than one chapter.

She apologizes for “hurting” him with her *witty banter* and ugh, seriously, kill me and bury me six feet under.

We have some severe mood whiplash when Dorian goes back to talking about the Yulemas ball. Hey, hey, Dorian? Remember what you said about how frivolous and mindless court nobles are? YOU’RE EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE REST OF THEM BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION!

Dorian kisses Celaena on the cheek and whatever.

Celaena rambles about how she’d like to go to the ball because in spite of everything, she acts just like another nobleperson.

This chapter was pretty terrible. The utter lack of consistency in the book is becoming more pronounced and more problematic over time, we have things like Dorian’s nose being broken at the beginning of the chapter but it’s never brought up again and Dorian seems completely fine, and people excusing murder.

I really have no idea what Celaena’s character even is at this point. It seems like a blank slate for the author to shove a bunch of traits onto. She isn’t a character; she’s a puppet, and her personality is rewritten to fit whatever the author wants her to do next, from heroic rescues to falling in love with the son of her sworn enemy.