rainwaterspark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rainwaterspark) wrote2016-08-18 02:15 pm
rainwaterspark) wrote2016-08-18 02:15 pm
Entry tags:
Acephobia: derailment and ignorance of reality
Most of us can agree than an acephobe who says "No one cares if you don't want to have sex" fundamentally doesn't understand what the definition of asexuality is.
However, what frustrates me is that in most people's rush to correct that misconception, we don't talk about how that sentence is fundamentally not true. And while asexuality does not equal celibacy, the majority of aces (based on a survey I saw) are sex-repulsed, so this is a problem that aces are more likely to face.
Simply put, it's difficult to talk about lack of sexual attraction to non-ace people, because most people simply assume romantic and sexual attraction go hand in hand and, honestly, aren't even aware there's a difference. So when talking to people about my asexuality, I—and other aces, I'm pretty sure—gloss over the details and just say, "Even if I were to fall in love with someone, I don't want to have sex with him." (Demisexual erasure plays into this as well, which is why I have to use that kind of phrasing to avoid people telling me, "Not wanting to bang strangers is totally normal! It's not a different sexuality!") Basically, while there is the internal questioning/feelings of brokenness and/or abnormality, there's relatively little external discrimination based on lack of sexual attraction per se.
A random stranger on the street probably might not care if you don't want to have sex. But family? Possibly friends? They absolutely care if you don't want to have sex. And a random stranger who knows you're asexual might care if you don't want to have sex.
This is what most of the discrimination against asexuals is rooted in. People believe having sex is a biological necessity; that having sex with your partner/spouse is a romantic necessity (and, in the case of certain religions, a moral and religious necessity); that "withholding" sex from your significant other is "selfish" or the sign of a dead relationship.
The fact that acephobes don't understand this discrimination is probably because non-ace people never have to face this. That, in itself, is fine, but then for acephobes to go on and say "I don't notice acephobia! Therefore acephobia doesn't exist!" is utter BS.
However, what frustrates me is that in most people's rush to correct that misconception, we don't talk about how that sentence is fundamentally not true. And while asexuality does not equal celibacy, the majority of aces (based on a survey I saw) are sex-repulsed, so this is a problem that aces are more likely to face.
Simply put, it's difficult to talk about lack of sexual attraction to non-ace people, because most people simply assume romantic and sexual attraction go hand in hand and, honestly, aren't even aware there's a difference. So when talking to people about my asexuality, I—and other aces, I'm pretty sure—gloss over the details and just say, "Even if I were to fall in love with someone, I don't want to have sex with him." (Demisexual erasure plays into this as well, which is why I have to use that kind of phrasing to avoid people telling me, "Not wanting to bang strangers is totally normal! It's not a different sexuality!") Basically, while there is the internal questioning/feelings of brokenness and/or abnormality, there's relatively little external discrimination based on lack of sexual attraction per se.
A random stranger on the street probably might not care if you don't want to have sex. But family? Possibly friends? They absolutely care if you don't want to have sex. And a random stranger who knows you're asexual might care if you don't want to have sex.
This is what most of the discrimination against asexuals is rooted in. People believe having sex is a biological necessity; that having sex with your partner/spouse is a romantic necessity (and, in the case of certain religions, a moral and religious necessity); that "withholding" sex from your significant other is "selfish" or the sign of a dead relationship.
The fact that acephobes don't understand this discrimination is probably because non-ace people never have to face this. That, in itself, is fine, but then for acephobes to go on and say "I don't notice acephobia! Therefore acephobia doesn't exist!" is utter BS.