rainwaterspark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rainwaterspark) wrote2017-10-13 12:42 pm
rainwaterspark) wrote2017-10-13 12:42 pm
Entry tags:
Demisexuality in fiction and harmful asexual romance tropes
Disclaimer before I start: I'm asexual but not demisexual. If any demis want to chime in with their experiences, please feel free.
So I started thinking about this topic after reading a review for a book with a demisexual character. This is a book I've wanted to get my hands on, but haven't been able to as of yet, so unfortunately I can't speak about my own take on the book. Anyway, this is a book about a demisexual character—however, the character is never explicitly stated to be demisexual in the text (only on the publisher's website), which is a problem we'll get back to soon. The reviewer (who thought the protagonist was ace-spec but didn't know he was demisexual) basically said they were uncomfortable with how the demisexual character progressed from total sex repulsion to interest in sex as soon as his love interest showed up, linking it to harmful messages about how ace people are often pressured with regards to "just wait until the right person comes along, and then you'll be interested in having sex/sexually attracted to them."
There's a lot to unpack here, and I'll do my best to cover all my bases.
First thing I want to get out of the way is that I'm not sure whether this is an #ownvoices story about demisexuality or not. Normally, I am 100% not a fan of asking authors to out themselves with regard to sexual orientation, but whether this is an #ownvoices story or not could change the optics of it. If the author is ace-spec, I'd be more hesitant about criticizing the portrayal of demisexuality, as I'm not demisexual (even though #ownvoices isn't a shield against producing problematic content). If the author isn't, then I'd be a lot more openly critical of the rep. I am extremely wary of when allosexual (non-asexual) authors write about asexuals who begin as sex-repulsed and then progress to "Oh, but I'm okay with sex if it's with you, Designated Love Interest." There is an element of—to me—almost fetishization of ace-spectrum identities, positing their sex-repulsion as an obstacle to a romantic relationship to be overcome, in a way that is very loaded coming from an allosexual author.
Another issue with if the book isn't #ownvoices goes to accuracy. Again, I can't speak to the demisexual experience. But, based on my own cursory research, many demisexuals seem to report that it can take quite a long time for them to develop sexual attraction to someone they have a close relationship with. Whereas, in the book, reviewers report that the sexual attraction seems to happen quite quickly. Again, not saying that that's completely impossible, but the optics of it are different if written by an allosexual writer vs. a demisexual author.
The next thing is, clearly, the book suffers from not explicitly identifying the protagonist as demisexual in the text. Given that that kind of narrative could be less problematic with a demisexual character than with a not-demi ace character, it becomes critical to make that clear in the book, which this book failed to do.
So let's go to the next issue, which is: assuming the portrayal of the demisexual character is authentic to at least some demis' experiences, does this nevertheless create a problem with making sure we don't convey the message that asexuals can be "cured" by meeting the right person?
Again, there's a confounding factor at play here, and that's that demisexuality tends to be represented only in one very specific way, by usually allosexual writers (so far), and that's: demisexual is sex-repulsed and/or uninterested in sex, until they meet the "right person," and now suddenly they are down for sex with Mr./Ms./Mx. Right 24/7.
Right now, we don't have portrayals of demisexuals who have a low libido even once they experience sexual attraction to someone, and/or demisexuals who may still experience sex repulsion after meeting Mr./Ms./Mx. Right. And that becomes a problem, again, when allosexual writers are dominating the portrayal of demisexual characters right now. (A cynical view could be that some of said writers want to write "cured asexual" narratives but know enough to know that that's offensive, so they go, "Okay, let me just make the character demisexual instead!")
My point is: Everyone deserves to have their experiences represented, of course. But, while I'm not arguing for this portrayal of demisexuality to be banned, I think authors have to be very careful with this narrative, because it does lead to splash damage for non-demi asexuals.
Asexuals are very, very vulnerable to sexual coercion. Many aces, too, spend years questioning themselves, wondering, "But what if I *do* experience sexual attraction at some later point? Maybe I'm not really asexual?" Rates of sexual assault against asexuals are not well studied, but some evidence suggests that asexuals experience higher rates of assault than most other sexual orientations (excepting bisexuals). You can draw your own conclusions about how allosexual sexual predators view asexuals from that data.
So I get nervous whenever I see a narrative about a sex-repulsed asexual who "learns" to like sex because of Mr./Ms./Mx. Right. I just can't be certain that an allosexual reader won't read that narrative and take away the idea that "don't worry, sex-repulsed asexuals can still learn to like sex after meeting the 'right' person."
If you're an allosexual author, there's an easy way out: Just don't make your ace-spec character sex-repulsed! Problem solved! Don't use sex-repulsion as an obstacle to be overcome in your romance, because all that does is throw sex-repulsed aces who will never "learn" to like sex or experience sexual attraction to the wolves.
And, again, even if it's a demisexual author writing about their own demisexual experiences? If you frame it that way, you have to be aware of the possibility of splash damage to other aces.
This is not, by the way, something unique to this situation. Writers can write about gay characters feeling pressured by heteronormativity to date the opposite binary gender but, if they're not careful, can end up throwing bisexuals under the bus, for example. Lateral oppression between different axes of marginalization happens all the damn time. And it's never okay.
Don't throw other marginalized groups under the bus. Just don't do it. No matter how strongly you feel about your own experiences as a marginalized person, there's always a way to frame it to be inclusive instead of harmful to some other group.
**EDITED TO ADD: I found these relevant twitter threads from gray-aces/demis:
https://twitter.com/SH_Marr_Writes/status/919984008402014208
https://twitter.com/mixeduppainter/status/920005662666575873
So it sounds like I was right to be intuitively wary of "character is gray-ace/demisexual, meets Right Person, BAM basically allosexual" narratives.
So I started thinking about this topic after reading a review for a book with a demisexual character. This is a book I've wanted to get my hands on, but haven't been able to as of yet, so unfortunately I can't speak about my own take on the book. Anyway, this is a book about a demisexual character—however, the character is never explicitly stated to be demisexual in the text (only on the publisher's website), which is a problem we'll get back to soon. The reviewer (who thought the protagonist was ace-spec but didn't know he was demisexual) basically said they were uncomfortable with how the demisexual character progressed from total sex repulsion to interest in sex as soon as his love interest showed up, linking it to harmful messages about how ace people are often pressured with regards to "just wait until the right person comes along, and then you'll be interested in having sex/sexually attracted to them."
There's a lot to unpack here, and I'll do my best to cover all my bases.
First thing I want to get out of the way is that I'm not sure whether this is an #ownvoices story about demisexuality or not. Normally, I am 100% not a fan of asking authors to out themselves with regard to sexual orientation, but whether this is an #ownvoices story or not could change the optics of it. If the author is ace-spec, I'd be more hesitant about criticizing the portrayal of demisexuality, as I'm not demisexual (even though #ownvoices isn't a shield against producing problematic content). If the author isn't, then I'd be a lot more openly critical of the rep. I am extremely wary of when allosexual (non-asexual) authors write about asexuals who begin as sex-repulsed and then progress to "Oh, but I'm okay with sex if it's with you, Designated Love Interest." There is an element of—to me—almost fetishization of ace-spectrum identities, positing their sex-repulsion as an obstacle to a romantic relationship to be overcome, in a way that is very loaded coming from an allosexual author.
Another issue with if the book isn't #ownvoices goes to accuracy. Again, I can't speak to the demisexual experience. But, based on my own cursory research, many demisexuals seem to report that it can take quite a long time for them to develop sexual attraction to someone they have a close relationship with. Whereas, in the book, reviewers report that the sexual attraction seems to happen quite quickly. Again, not saying that that's completely impossible, but the optics of it are different if written by an allosexual writer vs. a demisexual author.
The next thing is, clearly, the book suffers from not explicitly identifying the protagonist as demisexual in the text. Given that that kind of narrative could be less problematic with a demisexual character than with a not-demi ace character, it becomes critical to make that clear in the book, which this book failed to do.
So let's go to the next issue, which is: assuming the portrayal of the demisexual character is authentic to at least some demis' experiences, does this nevertheless create a problem with making sure we don't convey the message that asexuals can be "cured" by meeting the right person?
Again, there's a confounding factor at play here, and that's that demisexuality tends to be represented only in one very specific way, by usually allosexual writers (so far), and that's: demisexual is sex-repulsed and/or uninterested in sex, until they meet the "right person," and now suddenly they are down for sex with Mr./Ms./Mx. Right 24/7.
Right now, we don't have portrayals of demisexuals who have a low libido even once they experience sexual attraction to someone, and/or demisexuals who may still experience sex repulsion after meeting Mr./Ms./Mx. Right. And that becomes a problem, again, when allosexual writers are dominating the portrayal of demisexual characters right now. (A cynical view could be that some of said writers want to write "cured asexual" narratives but know enough to know that that's offensive, so they go, "Okay, let me just make the character demisexual instead!")
My point is: Everyone deserves to have their experiences represented, of course. But, while I'm not arguing for this portrayal of demisexuality to be banned, I think authors have to be very careful with this narrative, because it does lead to splash damage for non-demi asexuals.
Asexuals are very, very vulnerable to sexual coercion. Many aces, too, spend years questioning themselves, wondering, "But what if I *do* experience sexual attraction at some later point? Maybe I'm not really asexual?" Rates of sexual assault against asexuals are not well studied, but some evidence suggests that asexuals experience higher rates of assault than most other sexual orientations (excepting bisexuals). You can draw your own conclusions about how allosexual sexual predators view asexuals from that data.
So I get nervous whenever I see a narrative about a sex-repulsed asexual who "learns" to like sex because of Mr./Ms./Mx. Right. I just can't be certain that an allosexual reader won't read that narrative and take away the idea that "don't worry, sex-repulsed asexuals can still learn to like sex after meeting the 'right' person."
If you're an allosexual author, there's an easy way out: Just don't make your ace-spec character sex-repulsed! Problem solved! Don't use sex-repulsion as an obstacle to be overcome in your romance, because all that does is throw sex-repulsed aces who will never "learn" to like sex or experience sexual attraction to the wolves.
And, again, even if it's a demisexual author writing about their own demisexual experiences? If you frame it that way, you have to be aware of the possibility of splash damage to other aces.
This is not, by the way, something unique to this situation. Writers can write about gay characters feeling pressured by heteronormativity to date the opposite binary gender but, if they're not careful, can end up throwing bisexuals under the bus, for example. Lateral oppression between different axes of marginalization happens all the damn time. And it's never okay.
Don't throw other marginalized groups under the bus. Just don't do it. No matter how strongly you feel about your own experiences as a marginalized person, there's always a way to frame it to be inclusive instead of harmful to some other group.
**EDITED TO ADD: I found these relevant twitter threads from gray-aces/demis:
https://twitter.com/SH_Marr_Writes/status/919984008402014208
https://twitter.com/mixeduppainter/status/920005662666575873
So it sounds like I was right to be intuitively wary of "character is gray-ace/demisexual, meets Right Person, BAM basically allosexual" narratives.