rainwaterspark | Throne of Glass - Deconstruction

Chapter 35

On this chapter, we have Chaol mooning over Celaena. Snore. Specifically, he’s rambling to himself about how she’s endured so much at Endovier but still manages to laugh.

Whatever. Onward to Celaena’s POV again. She’s linked arms with Dorian and really, it’s a wonder no one other than Kaltain thinks she and Dorian are dating each other.

The white, fur-lined cloak did little to keep the frigid air from freezing all of her.

Right, because a FUR-LINED CLOAK is just that cold.

I seriously don’t even.

despite the three Tests she’d had, the most exciting of which being an obstacle course,

One: Damn you again, Book. Two: Obstacle course? What the #$% kind of competition is this???

More proof that Pelor is a walking plot device: he’s finally been eliminated from the competition, conveniently after he’d helped Celaena.

More competitors have died, and no one seems significantly more worried.

Renault, a vicious mercenary who’d stepped up to replace Verin as Cain’s right-hand man. Not surprisingly, Renault’s favorite new activity was taunting Celaena.

Knock it the hell off, Book. We don’t need moar bullies taunting poor widdle Celaena.

she caught Dorian giving her an admiring glance from the corner of his eye. Of course, she hadn’t been thinking of Dorian when she chose such a fine lavender gown to wear tonight, or when she made sure her hair was so carefully arranged, or that her white gloves were spotless.

I don’t…what? Even with the lampshading, this is terrible.

“Don’t you have princely duties to attend to?”

Good question, Celaena. Why the hell is it that Dorian seems to have nothing to do all day than chase after women and look at his precious dogs? The king isn’t even physically in the capital right now, and considering the queen never seems to do anything ever, that means technically Dorian should be taking up the mantle (especially in preparation for his eventual accession to the throne).

Dorian asks about the necklace Celaena got and somehow connects it to Queen Elena. How convenient.

The story goes that in the battle with the Dark Lord (SERIOUSLY, AUTHOR??!) Erawan, Elena and her husband, Gavin, were powerless until she miraculously received this special necklace. The necklace somehow gave her telepathy (not really) and she found out the Dark Lord’s “true name” (yes, really), which “distracted” him (yes, actually) so Gavin could kill him.

This is a terrible fantasy plot.

First of all, I have no idea why Elena’s getting the necklace prevented Gavin from being killed by Erawan. Secondly, of course Elena couldn’t kill Erawan herself; of course Gavin needed to do it. Feminism. And thirdly, “distracted” by your true name? What a deus ex machina way to resolve things.

More mindless banter. Celaena keeps rambling to herself about Elena’s motives are, because clearly that’s more important than solving the mystery serial murders. She conveniently finds out that someone had snuck into her room and drawn Wyrdmarks in chalk underneath her bed. She scrubs it off, and I don’t know what kind of chalk this is, because water usually washes chalk away pretty easily.

Celaena finds Nehemia in the library and Nehemia’s Adarlanese has gotten a hundred times better…and suddenly Celaena realizes that’s not normal. Well, it’s about freaking time. Suddenly Nehemia has become the suspect in this murder mystery!!!

Eh. Celaena feels all betrayed, but really, Celaena, you did lie to Nehemia yourself.

Chapter 36

Amidst her worrying, another Test passed without incident or embarrassment

Oh hey look, we’re not even told what the tests are anymore, that’s how much the author cares about them.

Celaena’s determined to be happy on ~~Christmas~~ Yulemas morning, in spite of everything that’s been going on. Priorities.

a holiday to celebrate the birth of the Goddess’s firstborn son.

This is the second time, I think, that a “Goddess” has been mentioned. I forgot to comment on it the first time, but if people in this world worship a distinctly female Goddess instead of a male God, why is the society so patriarchal and patrilineal and misogynistic?? I don’t understand.

Celaena…finds some candy by her bed. With no note or name.

Oh, how she adored candy!

Author, I don’t know what’s your deal but STOP IT WITH THESE OMNISCIENT COMMENTS. THEY’RE NOT CUTE AND THEY’RE ANNOYING AS HELL.

Celaena issued a jolly laugh

What, she’s Santa now?

She eats the candies, which include gummies and chocolate. Once again, chocolate candies should be expensive, since Adarlan probably doesn’t have the climate for growing cocoa beans and would have to import them. Sigh.

“Someone,” she said in between chews, “is very good to me.”

At no point does it occur to her that the candy might be poisoned. Also, she is not at all concerned that someone snuck into her room and placed the candy next to her without her even waking up. Celaena is the biggest fail!assassin in the world.

Philippa storms in and is angry that Celaena got the candy all over her face and bed. How old is Celaena, three??

Her heart was as big and as red as her teeth.

Who thinks this is good writing. I mean seriously.

There was good in people—deep down, there was always a shred of good. There had to be.

Now I REALLY want the candy to be poisoned, just to show how idiotic Celaena is. (It would also end my growing misery in reading this book.)

Like I said, this book hates consistency of any kind. There’s no reason for an ASSASSIN to go around believing *people are good deep down.* NONE.

It turns out Dorian sent the candy, though I don’t know why he didn’t bother leaving his name. I mean, our serial killer could’ve fake-signed Dorian’s name and Celaena would’ve been none the wiser, but still, it would’ve made Celaena seem marginally less stupid.

Dorian is also giving Celaena a dog.

“Oh, puppy,” she crooned

More of the author hating to use the word “said.” Also, more common sense failure. If Celaena had ever really experienced starvation, she would’ve seen puppies as something to eat, rather than as pets. Even if Celaena was never hungry enough to eat dogs, I don’t see any particular reason why she’d be so attached to having one as a pet, considering she grew up in the city and came from an impoverished background.

Celaena wants the dog, but she wants the dog to be trained. The implication here is that she wants servants to train the dog. What the FFFF, Celaena?! Are you an assassin or a spoiled palace brat??? She’s making all these demands as though she’s a princess and SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL, CELAENA.

He was kind—unnaturally kind, for someone of his upbringing. He had a heart, she realized, and a conscience. He was different from the others.

Yeah, because NOBLES ARE ALL SELFISH, GREEDY BASTARDS, BUT DORIAN IS A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Celaena “timidly,” “clumsily” kisses Dorian on the cheek, because we can’t have her being all assertive in their relationship, oh no.

she wondered if she’d kissed him properly as she pulled away and found his eyes bright and wide. Had she been sloppy? Too wet? Were her lips sticky from the candy?

CELAENA YOU’RE NOT A FREAKING SCHOOLGIRL. YOU. HAD. A. BOYFRIEND. BEFORE.

More blushing, and blegh.

Celaena thinks about how if Nehemia is the Big Bad, she’d strike at the ball, so she plans to infiltrate. We’re almost three hundred pages into the book, and this is the second time Celaena has done anything remotely heroic or made her own decision.

Why did Chaol never joke with her as Dorian did? Perhaps he truly didn’t find her attractive.

ARGH. WHY. WHYYYYY.

She couldn’t waste her time worrying about someone who clearly had no interest in her beyond the ridiculous competition.

*BANGS HEAD AGAINST DESK REPEATEDLY*

She keeps thinking about how Chaol is such a meanie *but he has his good side too!*

I can’t even comment anymore. It’s just too much for me.