On my world, it means hope.

Decided to keep track of my LSAT progress if only because I love rambling to myself.

- Logical Games: I score shockingly high on these; pretty much my only problem is completing all 4 games on time. I'm really good at linear games, but I tend to get bogged down by multiple variables. I usually get a few wrong, but I'm not obsessed with getting all perfects, since I'm more concerned about actually finishing the games.
- Reading Comprehension: I'm pretty good at it, although ideally I think I should improve my accuracy, since sometimes I'm prone to getting some wrong.
- Logical Reasong: My biggest weakness. I'm able to finish all questions within the time limit, but it's a question of improving my accuracy and not getting tricked by the answer choices. :/

Comments on Daniel Goldhagen's Hitler's Willing Executioners, Part II.

- Goldhagen acts as though the cruelty shown by the Nazis is unique. Never mind the fact that every war has its stories of atrocity. Never mind that you'll find examples of human cruelty scattered throughout history and even in the present day. No, "German" cruelty was exceptional, and clearly the only explanation for it is that Germans are horrible, horrible people! I mean, people never torture the perceived enemy in war, right?

- For a book whose title has Hitler's name in it, Goldhagen doesn't talk about Hitler at all. Well, okay, maybe he discussed Hitler in the sections that I didn't have to read for class, but Goldhagen doesn't blame Hitler for the Holocaust; he blames the entire German society. But I mean, come on, even if you don't like the intentionalist viewpoint, is anyone going to say that the Holocaust would have happened without Hitler?

- What disturbs me most about this book is its take-home message: the Holocaust was a unique event that came about because of the awfulness of German society. Therefore, the Holocaust will not ever be repeated in human history. Other historical events have already proved that to be wrong.

- I'm not very comfortable with Goldhagen's sources and his use of them. He extrapolates a lot from photos: "Look, Germans are smiling in these photos, that means they approved of the Holocaust!" I really don't think his interpretations are unassailable. Moreover, he uses a quotation from a German policeman to show that the "Jew hunts" were widely talked about and implicitly approved of; he makes absolutely no comment about the fact that in said quotation, the speaker voiced disapproval and actually silenced a joke about the "Jew hunts." In fact, he seems more mistrustful of testimony from the policemen than from other sources, which is just outright bias. Goldhagen also accepts his sources unquestioningly. He talks about numerous anti-Semitic pamphlets that were written in Germany, but he makes no mention as to whether such pamphlets were widely read or how much of an impact they had on popular opinion, or even whether such pamphlets represented a majority of publications in Germany.

It just seems as though Goldhagen throws out or ignores any evidence that is contrary to his thesis, and that's bad historical writing.

A "real life" ramble, for once. I mean, I obviously love using my LJ for geeking out about Skyward Sword and other games and critiquing the living daylights out of The Hunger Games, and my college life is really not that exciting to talk about (in sum: go to classes -> do homework -> waste some time on the computer -> sleep). But it's getting to the point in the semester where I'm thinking about classes for next semester, and I guess I should pause and look forward, while reflecting back. (Besides, I have twenty minutes to kill.)

Tentative schedule for next semester:
- Ecology & Genetic Analysis for my Bio major. I'm really looking forward to Ecology, because I always preferred ecology to molecular bio/biochemistry, though my friends tell me Genetic Analysis is a "fun" class.
- Science and Society in Modern America. I was originally going to take The Byzantine Empire and complete my European history requirement, but that conflicted with my schedule (which still makes me sad).
- Last class up for grabs. At first, I wanted to take Geology, but that conflicted. Then I wanted to take Intro to Economics, but that also conflicted. My current placeholder is an English class, although I might shop a history class on Dystopian Societies/Imagination in Europe at UMass. We'll see.

What I really want to do for next semester is not to have such a tough course load as I did this semester. I suppose I can handle it, but it's not pleasant to be wearing out my eyes on so much reading and essay writing (for two intense history classes), and the consequence is that my science classes end up shafted, even though they're also pretty tough (especially Molecular Biology--I end up not going over the material until right before the exam. Urg).

I also want time to be able to do stuff outside of class and schoolwork, such as extracurrics and writing. This semester, ironically, I'm more involved than ever on campus: docent/volunteer at the art museum, member of the Historical European Martial Arts Club and Japan Club, webmaster for the China Awareness Organization, contributing writer/editor for the science magazine, and sometimes member of the Tango Club. Oh, and I'm also a grading TA for Bio, and I'm listed as a peer tutor, but no one asked me to tutor them this semester. I also end up going to sleep on average an hour later than before; after I decide I'm too tired to do any more homework, I spend another hour doing personal writing/writing for fun. Not intentionally; it's just become something of a habit by now. (On the upside, I'm ready to dive back into EK Part I after a period of frustration! On the downside, I have basically no time to do so!)

So yeah. I've been doing pretty well in my classes up till this point, but I'm not sure how things will turn out this semester, with such tough classes. (I already didn't do well on my first Physics exam, and I only did okay on my first Molecular Genetics exam.) But I'm trying to take it all in stride. That's been my goal this semester: focus on the learning, not on the grades. Otherwise I'd go nuts.

...Aaaand I have to go pick up problem sets to grade now.

Wow, first day into the semester and I'm already cranky. This doesn't bode well for the new year...

Good news: I pretty much decided on my post-undergrad plans during the summer, which is a huge weight off my shoulders (apply to law school & take a gap year after graduation, preferably to travel and/or teach English in Asia).

Bad news: I'm having a hard time convincing myself that a Biology major is worth it for applying to law school.

I think Ecology/Animal Behavior is cool. Molecular Genetics?...Not so much. But I'm pretty sure I have to stick with it, so...here's to another possibly very stressful college semester. *sigh*


There are two schools of thought when it comes to college: (1) focus on taking classes/majors that will lead to a good career; (2) explore, take the classes you like and have fun, because it'll be the last time you'll have to do so. These two conflicting ideologies are, I think, partly responsible for my so far confused meander through college, because I have a hard time reconciling them. The two aren't mutually exclusive, but that's only if you plan everything ahead of time and manage to lock down your career path before you graduate.

Which isn't easy for someone like me, who went sleepwalking off to college after graduating from high school. In my defense, I was brought up was one of those student sheep (no relevance to my zodiac animal at all /end tangent) who was used to focusing on the next assignment and having my courses laid out in high school. Suddenly, I come to college--and not just any college, but a college with an entirely open cirruclum, no less--and I'm asked what I want to do. But what I want to do and what I think I should do often clash, therein giving me headaches rather than enjoyment in college.

Reversals are always possible (it took an NPR chat and some Yahoo! Answers to convince me to apply to law school after having been staunchly against the idea--well, okay, and some prodding from my mom) in terms of interest in certain subjects. The other question is how to deal with fear. "Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain," said Ralph Waldo Emerson, and I'm quite honestly scared to death of my courses this semester: two extremely writing-intensive history classes, including at least one 20-page term paper, as well as the ever-dreaded Physics and now Molecular Genetics. It's hard for me to be optimistic; the "fake it till you make it" philosophy has never worked for me before. But the lesson that I still have trouble learning, despite running into it just about all the time, is that we all have to do things we don't like.

In practical terms, that means, for me, my goals this semester are:

(1) Better time management. (Always.)
(2) Better protection of eyesight. (Not exactly easy in college, which demands intense reading and screen-staring.)
(3) Keeping the big picture in mind. (In this case, that means accomplishing my goal of finishing a COHERENT draft of EK, Part 1, by the end of the year.)

...All while doing well in my courses, finishing assignments on time etc., without killing myself. Whew.

Classes end this week, finals end next week, and I just want to go home. The writing bug bit me, and I'm itching to work on the things I want to work on...but I can't, because I have finals and papers. Blegh.

I got rejected from being published by my school's academic essay collection for this semester, which I was pretty disappointed by, so when it finally came out, I snatched up a copy, looking for why my essay (which I actually liked, for once; it was on the Polish resistance under Nazi occupation, a pretty gripping story) got the boot.

First off, I read a creative piece. Did I mention that I really, really dislike most realistic fiction short stories? I swear, almost all of them are about adultery. The story in a nutshell: girl finds bat (the animal, not a baseball bat) in her room. Party in the house. Snot-nosed ex-siamese twins run around and break the girl's favorite Komodo dragon statue. Girl finds her mom (almost) making out with her boss. Twins beat the bat into a bloody pulp. Girl fantasizes about being taken away by aliens. The end. (I don't even...)

Secondly, I read an essay about a Nazi war criminal. Having taken an entire course on Nazi Germany last semester, I thought myself pretty knowledgeable about Hitler and Nazism, but it became clear to me when I read the essay that the author did not do a lot of research on Nazi Germany. Which was a problem when he started asserting that the Nazi party brainwashed the German population (it tried to, but whether said brainwashing succeeded is highly questionable), that Hitler harmed people during his ascent to power (yes, Hitler harmed a ton of people AFTER he rose to power--before that, not so much), and that the Nazis used underhanded tactics to secure popular support (no, not really, especially once you take into account the chaotic political climate during the Weimar Republic--every political party had a paramilitary group, and until Hitler became the chancellor, the Nazi party operated fully according to the letter of the law).

And another, more general thing: I feel that what I learned in high school and from Strunk & White and Orwell is all getting thrown out the window in college. I mean, the grades I get on my essays are fine, but when I look at other students' writing, sometimes it takes me a minute to wrap my head around the kinds of sentences they use. And what happened to the rule "don't use modifiers unless absolutely necessary"? For example, I know what an imperative is; what the heck does "categorical imperative" mean? Also, Orwell (I believe) was the one who said don't use a fancy word when a simpler one will do. College students, on the other hand, love to use fancy words like "aegis," "aberrant," "multiplicity," "triumvirate," etc.

*sigh*

Yes, I am still bitter about being rejected from the magazine. Once I stop being lazy, I will post my essay/ thoughts about the Polish resistance, a story that I think is quite compelling.

(At the rate I'm updating, I might as well get a Twitter or something...)

When I met with my college advisor, he was concerned that my schedule for next semester was so loaded with history courses. (It's because I'm trying to finish my major requirements before senior year, and before I go abroad.) He suggested me to look in to taking an art or music class.

For some reason, my brain went into lockdown mode and I wasn't very coherent. (I'm still kicking myself for that.) But what I was thinking was this:

I've taken art lessons for years and years, in almost every field of visual art (studio art (painting, sketching), Chinese watercolor, traditional photography, ceramics, stained glass, papier mâché, enamel, a little bit of printmaking...and informally, I've done comic/cartoon drawing). I've taken music lessons for years (although you wouldn't know it if you ever hear me play piano) and have experimented with composing pieces using GarageBand. Heck, I've even danced and performed on stage before (2 years of ballet, a couple of years of Chinese folk dance; I would argue that I'm more comfortable performing a dance onstage than talking to a professor).

If I took an art class, or a music class, or even a dance class, I wouldn't even be going out of my comfort zone--I would be, in fact, returning to my comfort zone. (Not to suggest, though, that art or music classes can't be stressful.)

If I'm not lacking in artistic experience, but have little interest in pursuing them to a super-advanced level because there are other courses I'd rather be taking instead, why do I have to take college courses in these areas???

When I was home for spring break, my mom lambasted me for not being able to find a research project with a professor. She also told me that study abroad wasn't crucial, since I already had a lot of travel experience.

When I called her to tell her I received an offer to do research with a professor, but which might possibly conflict with studying abroad, she said, "Well, research opportunities aren't that important. You'll probably have plenty of chances to do research in the future, so don't worry about it."

Now I can't make up my mind about anything. :/

On the weekends, I sit in my room, looking longingly out the window at the beautiful blue sky and sunshine, wishing I could go out and enjoy myself.

Instead, I'm shut up in my room the whole time doing Physics (and Organic Chemistry). :(

 *eep*

First, the weekly (?) wordcount post:

An Artist of a Heart (formerly Impression of a Heart): 46 pages / 22,000 words
EK Book I: 15 pages / 6000 words   (technically it's more than that, since I wrote part of it longhand and I have yet to type it up)

So it's the last day before classes officially start, which means...actually, I'm not sure what it means, considering that last semester, I managed to keep up my word quota swimmingly for the first three weeks. Then I got distracted, and then the work really kicked in.

...I was going to reflect on the vacation, but I realized that would have quickly become a shopping list of activities (I hung out with my family! I got dragged along by my mom to go shopping! I harassed tutored my sister in the SAT!). So I'm going to talk about last semester instead.

I actually don't have fond memories of the fall 2010 semester. Getting my grades made me look back on things with rosier glasses (I still don't know how in the world I got an A in my super-hard chemistry class...), but my impressions of last semester, in retrospect, was that I procrastinated/got distracted a lot, saw fewer people, and complained. All the time. I also remember several instances when my mood hit rock bottom--when I felt isolated, because the people whom I'd considered my friends never visited me; when I was rebuked by my psychology professor...etc.

(The episode with my psych professor haunted me for some time after the semester ended. It was enough to put me off from the psych major, actually...)

I'm hoping that this semester will be different. *crosses fingers*

I thought I would be jumping for joy once I handed in my 10-page paper today and finished my Biology exam; instead, I just feel tired and aggravated that a new problem came up. In short, it's a huge scheduling conflict for my next semester's classes, centered around my attempt to take Organic Chemistry at UMass (to fulfill the pre-med requirements, because Amherst doesn't offer O. chem I in the spring) and the class I *need* to take to fulfill the psychology major requirements. And I pretty much need to take O. chem. next semester if I want to have any hope of studying abroad next year.

Talk about horrendously bad luck.

I had a strange phone conversation with my mom about this. First, she said, "Why don't you study Organic Chemistry while you're abroad??!"

I had no idea how to explain to her exactly why that was a bad idea...

Then she said, "Just go talk to the dean/other people and ask if you can take that psychology class next semester!"

That psychology class is supposed to be taken before the end of sophomore year. I'm not very comfortable with attempting to push the system; my mom is VERY comfortable trying to bulldoze her own path through anything.

I responded by saying, yeah, I know I have to talk to the dean/other people, but I'm far too tired and frazzled to do so now and would rather handle it after Thanksgiving break.

My mom: "Talking to the dean will make you feel more energized!! Plus, this is a great opportunity to be more outgoing/proactive/etc. etc."

That's when I became really annoyed. First of all, talking to the dean will NOT make me more energized. Secondly, I really dislike the way my mom always seems to assume I'm socially inept. Yes, I have my flaws, and I'm well aware of them. Yes, talking to people I don't know very well, particularly authority figures, makes me anxious. But if I have a real problem, I am *capable* of resolving it on my own when push comes to shove. I've just been way too stressed out this week, and I don't think I can deal with the scheduling issues effectively now. (Proof: I had an extremely embarrassing episode this afternoon where I broke down in front of my advisor. That's how strained I've been.)

Sigh...I should go to sleep now...