Doing the right thing...when you're not sure what the right thing is

One of my paranoias, as a writer, is of accidentally writing an unhealthy romantic relationship. Why do I say this? Because I grew up absorbing messages that most kids do, i.e. "If you love someone, you'll always be there for them," "Loving someone means putting their needs before your own," etc. But as I got older, I learned to unpack those assumptions, and I learned that, taken to the extreme, all those attitudes are actually unhealthy. For example, subsuming one's own needs to one's partner's needs is actually unhealthy. And so on. Yet sometimes, it's hard to draw a precise line between "definitely not problematic" and "definitely problematic."

I used to be fairly active on Tumblr, though I've dialed down quite a bit, and my initial enthusiasm has also waned a lot. I'm the kind of person who (perhaps because of my autism) likes to follow rules and likes knowing what's the Right Answer vs. the Wrong Answer. I initially thought social justice was all about getting the Right Answers, but I came to realize that there are no "Right Answers" because people within a marginalized community don't agree on what's feminist vs. sexist, what's racist or not, and so on.

And so someone like me, who's eagerly absorbing all this information in search of the Right Answers, gets horribly confused when they see some feminists praise a show for being feminist, and other feminists criticize the same show for being sexist, and worst of all, if you disagree with one or the other opinion, the OP criticizes you for being a terrible and sexist person.

In the end, I suppose, in order to be productive, I have to find a way to let go of my anxiety that someone out there will take a look at what I've written and find it problematic. It's a hard position to accept, especially concerning something like trying really hard not to portray an unhealthy relationship, but that's the only realistic thing to do.