Depression New Year
Jan. 4th, 2025 04:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainwatersparkNot me starting the new year off right with some ~depression~, lol.
It's hard not to feel demoralized about my writing journey. The problem is, when you read published authors' stories in the hopes of some advice/inspiration, there's inherently survivorship bias. I've read so many stories about authors getting to publish "the book of their heart" that I feel awful the books of my heart have all withered on the vine.
Novel #1 was the first book of my heart. However, I was an inexperienced author back then (it was the first book I managed to not only finish drafting, but also finished revising), and it was heavily colored by my experience with depression at the time, so it flopped, not only in the querying trenches but also in terms of reader reception. That did teach me a lesson about the dangers of publishing a story that's too personal to you.
Novel #2 was my on-the-whim, "for fun" book that sold much better than Novel #1 and had a much more positive reader reception. Unfortunately, after years of pursuing traditional publishing, it's become nearly impossible for me to write purely "for fun" books anymore.
Novel #3 was the second book of my heart. It was the first time I felt like I was getting close to breaking into traditional publishing, and looking back, I feel like that changed my relationship with writing in retrospect. But, ultimately, despite all the close calls, it did not become the Cinderella story I'd hoped for. It died on submission.
Novel #4 was not a book of my heart, but it was me trying something new, getting back to my roots as a fantasy lover and exploring the mythology of my heritage. I was immensely proud of it at the time (although now I can see where the manuscript wasn't strong enough). I still think the idea is very high-concept, but this book also died on submission.
Novel #5 felt like the culmination of my writing journey so far. It was the action-packed, epic adventure fantasy I never thought I'd be able to pull off; it was a love letter to all the stories that inspired me and an even deeper dive into my heritage. I still don't know if it's a "book of my heart," but it's certainly my favorite book I've written to date, a story I still deeply love. Cue apathy from agents in the querying trenches.
I don't know where I go from here, in all honesty. I see Novel #1 as a product of ambition but inexperience, a necessary step in my learning curve as an author; Novel #3 was an intimate story with a small scope and no world-building; Novel #4 was my first foray in a long time into building a fantasy world with a larger cast of characters, trying to depart from pure romance; and Novel #5 was me taking everything I'd learned to successfully write a story with both an intimate core and an expansive scope. So what the hell am I supposed to do next, when none of my efforts so far have been successful?
I don't know.
It's hard not to feel demoralized about my writing journey. The problem is, when you read published authors' stories in the hopes of some advice/inspiration, there's inherently survivorship bias. I've read so many stories about authors getting to publish "the book of their heart" that I feel awful the books of my heart have all withered on the vine.
Novel #1 was the first book of my heart. However, I was an inexperienced author back then (it was the first book I managed to not only finish drafting, but also finished revising), and it was heavily colored by my experience with depression at the time, so it flopped, not only in the querying trenches but also in terms of reader reception. That did teach me a lesson about the dangers of publishing a story that's too personal to you.
Novel #2 was my on-the-whim, "for fun" book that sold much better than Novel #1 and had a much more positive reader reception. Unfortunately, after years of pursuing traditional publishing, it's become nearly impossible for me to write purely "for fun" books anymore.
Novel #3 was the second book of my heart. It was the first time I felt like I was getting close to breaking into traditional publishing, and looking back, I feel like that changed my relationship with writing in retrospect. But, ultimately, despite all the close calls, it did not become the Cinderella story I'd hoped for. It died on submission.
Novel #4 was not a book of my heart, but it was me trying something new, getting back to my roots as a fantasy lover and exploring the mythology of my heritage. I was immensely proud of it at the time (although now I can see where the manuscript wasn't strong enough). I still think the idea is very high-concept, but this book also died on submission.
Novel #5 felt like the culmination of my writing journey so far. It was the action-packed, epic adventure fantasy I never thought I'd be able to pull off; it was a love letter to all the stories that inspired me and an even deeper dive into my heritage. I still don't know if it's a "book of my heart," but it's certainly my favorite book I've written to date, a story I still deeply love. Cue apathy from agents in the querying trenches.
I don't know where I go from here, in all honesty. I see Novel #1 as a product of ambition but inexperience, a necessary step in my learning curve as an author; Novel #3 was an intimate story with a small scope and no world-building; Novel #4 was my first foray in a long time into building a fantasy world with a larger cast of characters, trying to depart from pure romance; and Novel #5 was me taking everything I'd learned to successfully write a story with both an intimate core and an expansive scope. So what the hell am I supposed to do next, when none of my efforts so far have been successful?
I don't know.
