rainwaterspark | Throne of Glass - Deconstruction

Chapter 28

This time, Celaena decides to take a break by playing billiards. I seriously don’t know what this plot is anymore.

She missed. Gritting her teeth, she considered snapping the cue in half across her knee.

Except then you wouldn’t be able to play anymore, Celaena FULL OF RAEG Sardothien.

But she’d been attempting to play for only an hour. She’d be incredible by midnight! She’d master this ridiculous game or she’d turn the table into firewood. And use it to burn Cain alive.

…I really hope this is the narrative making fun of her, because I have no idea what to make of this if she’s actually being serious.

Celaena fails to hit the ball into the hole and bites down on the cue stick. I don’t think that’s a normal frustrated reaction for people, because biting on wood hurts, but then again this is Celaena FULL OF RAEG Sardothien.

…And Dorian just happens to be watching and WHAT THE HELL, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A STALKER, DORIAN???

Dorian teaches her how to play billiards and they’re both blushing red and ARGH THIS ROMANCE, IT’S TERRIBLE.

“If you don’t stop feeling and start instructing, I’m going to rip out your eyes and replace them with these billiard balls.”

Lines like these make me question Dorian’s sanity for not being afraid of her. Then again, she has never backed up one of these statements even once, so I suppose it’s easy to just brush it off.

He won every game, yet she hardly noticed. As long as she hit the ball, it resulted in shameless bragging. When she missed—well, even the fires of Hell couldn’t compare to the rage that burst from her mouth.

…So are we actually supposed to be laughing at her, as well? Celaena Sardothien is so far from being a badass at this point that I’m feeling like the premise cheated me—screw it, it stole all my money while I was playing poker blindfolded.

She was frighteningly smart.

Again, the book keeps saying “Look at how smart Celaena is!!” when she acts like an impulsive moron for the most part. And “frighteningly”? Would Dorian ever say Chaol was “frighteningly” smart?

She understood him when he spoke of history, or of politics—though she claimed to loathe the subject—and even had a great deal to say about the theater.

CELAENA CAN’T POSSIBLY BE A GENIUS IN EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT EVER, BOOK DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DUST MOTE’S WORTH OF COMMON SENSE???!

“Do you think Xavier and the other Champion murders were intentional?”
“Perhaps. Does it make a difference?”
“No.” She lazily waved her hand in the air. “Never mind.”

OF COURSE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE HOW AND WHY THESE MURDERS HAPPENED, YOU IDIOTS

Think about it this way: Say you’re in school, or at work. As the day goes on, students/coworkers mysteriously vanish and their half-eaten bodies turn up in closets and stairwells. Do you:

(a) Panic and demand to know who’s doing this, why, and how you can stop them?

(b) Do nothing, assuming it was just an accident?

If you answered (a), you’re a normal human being. If you answered (b) or (c), you belong to the nonsensical world of Throne of Glass.

Also, because I am completely out of goodwill for this book at this point, the first sentence quoted above isn’t even grammatically correct. It should be “Xavier and the other Champions’ murders” or even “the Champion murders,” not “Xavier and the other Champion murders.”

Celaena falls asleep because she sleeps a ridiculous amount. Dorian reflects on how “mysterious” she is, because clearly the only alluring thing about a potential love interest is either how hot they are, how broken they are, or how “mysterious” they are.

Celaena is apparently not entirely asleep, because she gets up but then promptly walks into a doorpost. Why would the best assassin in the world suddenly act like a ditzy klutz, even if she’s half asleep? Oh, that’s right, because Dorian needs an opportunity to give her a “guiding arm” “before she broke something.”

Screw you, Book.

If she became his father’s Champion, and later gained her freedom, would she remain the same? Or was this all a façade to get what she wanted? But he couldn’t imagine that she was pretending. Didn’t want to imagine that she was pretending.

Screw you and your horrible, horrible romantic clichés, Book.