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rainwatersparkI think I might give up on Tumblr for the time being. I mean, if my sister and I do end up starting a Redbubble venture, I guess I'd have to return to do some promotion, but I'm finding it way too draining to be on Tumblr these days, especially while I've also been dealing with an intense bout of depression and existential crises about my life.
I've seen at least one post before talking about how "if you say you can't bear to read posts about sexism/racism/etc. then you're just looking for excuses to bury your head in the ground," but I think that really does stomp on people who are sensitive and empathetic and genuinely feel depressed when reading about these things. Like me. Oftentimes I end up feeling like Tumblr is a pool of negativity where I can't enjoy anything, and even though I do believe people have a right to be upset and to critique the things they want to critique, the negativity gets to me. Plus, as a series of Tumblr posts pointed out, after a while you start to feel pressure to be the "perfect activist/ally," which is going to be impossible because it's not like feminism (or any other movement) is a monolithic movement—people within the movement disagree on what counts as sexist or empowering, so no one is ever going to be 100% "right" all the time.
And that's not even getting into the fact that occasionally I outright disagree with people concerning feminism/mental health representation/etc., but I'm never brave enough to post my thoughts because I don't have the emotional strength or energy to get into a debate with people, and oftentimes Tumblr debates become so emotionally charged.
Before I take a break from Tumblr, though, I might just post one more thing about Bucky Barnes (again), and I'm putting it here before I post it there because...reasons.
*
This post sums up a lot of my problems with the post-movie Winter Soldier fandom, but there's something else I wanted to add.
Portraying post-CATWS Bucky as some kind of helpless blank slate who can't even do things like feed/dress himself really, really bothers me, in part because I don't view that as consistent with his characterization/logic, and in part because it feels like the fandom is stripping away his agency, after his agency was already taken from him by the plot of the storyline itself. And that just feels really condescending and even disrespectful.
It also portrays the struggle with trauma/mental illness in an extremely black-and-white manner. I am all for representations of mental illness in fanfiction, but sometimes I worry that fanfiction can cross the line and turn it into a mental suffering fetish that glosses over the reality of what having a mental illness means and what it's like.
Because it's complicated. Having a mental illness is like fighting a war within yourself every single day. Having a mental illness shreds your sense of self, takes everything you thought you knew about yourself and turns it into dust and leaves you fighting for something to hold on to. It means fighting to retain a sense of control even when you feel like you have no control anymore, because no one wants to believe that they no longer have control over themselves or their lives. It means being torn between recognizing that something is very seriously wrong with you and you need help, and being terrified of seeking help—being terrified of showing someone else the pain and suffering inside you, and being terrified that they might hurt you in turn.
And I think this kind of constant struggle for control when you feel like things are falling apart should be portrayed in fanfic, to do justice to what people go through when they have a mental illness. But often, it's not.
I wonder whether the fandom's reluctance to ascribe any sort of agency to Bucky has to do with the fact that they treat him like a "perfect victim." The predominant fandom interpretation is that Bucky was a perfect angelic saint and first the wartime torture broke him, and then Hydra just brainwashed and tortured him into becoming a weapon. It almost feels like if the case were different—like how the Winter Soldier played out in the comics—Bucky would not be the "perfect victim" and therefore irredeemable. But that's such a grossly simplistic way to view morality, and it kind of erases the fact that Bucky did murder people as the Winter Soldier. He may not be legally responsible for his actions, but he was the direct cause of their deaths and that's something that he has to deal with after he gets his memories back.
The predominant way Bucky is treated in fanfic and the fandom feels infantilizing and patronizing and almost voyeuristic, sometimes. The attitude feels like "oh wow look at what horrible things happened to Bucky and how horribly traumatized and dysfunctional he is now," when it should be "this is how Bucky is trying to make sense of what happened to him and move on with his life."
I wish I wasn't quite so invested in Bucky's story. I wish the comics and Ed Brubaker's run hadn't resonated so deeply with me that I've taken so much grief from the way the fandom evolved after the movie. But that's the way things have shaken out.
Postscript: There are ways to portray Bucky as being extremely traumatized/dysfunctional without being patronizing/voyeuristic about it. I've written a fic that I think did that pretty well.
I've seen at least one post before talking about how "if you say you can't bear to read posts about sexism/racism/etc. then you're just looking for excuses to bury your head in the ground," but I think that really does stomp on people who are sensitive and empathetic and genuinely feel depressed when reading about these things. Like me. Oftentimes I end up feeling like Tumblr is a pool of negativity where I can't enjoy anything, and even though I do believe people have a right to be upset and to critique the things they want to critique, the negativity gets to me. Plus, as a series of Tumblr posts pointed out, after a while you start to feel pressure to be the "perfect activist/ally," which is going to be impossible because it's not like feminism (or any other movement) is a monolithic movement—people within the movement disagree on what counts as sexist or empowering, so no one is ever going to be 100% "right" all the time.
And that's not even getting into the fact that occasionally I outright disagree with people concerning feminism/mental health representation/etc., but I'm never brave enough to post my thoughts because I don't have the emotional strength or energy to get into a debate with people, and oftentimes Tumblr debates become so emotionally charged.
Before I take a break from Tumblr, though, I might just post one more thing about Bucky Barnes (again), and I'm putting it here before I post it there because...reasons.
*
This post sums up a lot of my problems with the post-movie Winter Soldier fandom, but there's something else I wanted to add.
Portraying post-CATWS Bucky as some kind of helpless blank slate who can't even do things like feed/dress himself really, really bothers me, in part because I don't view that as consistent with his characterization/logic, and in part because it feels like the fandom is stripping away his agency, after his agency was already taken from him by the plot of the storyline itself. And that just feels really condescending and even disrespectful.
It also portrays the struggle with trauma/mental illness in an extremely black-and-white manner. I am all for representations of mental illness in fanfiction, but sometimes I worry that fanfiction can cross the line and turn it into a mental suffering fetish that glosses over the reality of what having a mental illness means and what it's like.
Because it's complicated. Having a mental illness is like fighting a war within yourself every single day. Having a mental illness shreds your sense of self, takes everything you thought you knew about yourself and turns it into dust and leaves you fighting for something to hold on to. It means fighting to retain a sense of control even when you feel like you have no control anymore, because no one wants to believe that they no longer have control over themselves or their lives. It means being torn between recognizing that something is very seriously wrong with you and you need help, and being terrified of seeking help—being terrified of showing someone else the pain and suffering inside you, and being terrified that they might hurt you in turn.
And I think this kind of constant struggle for control when you feel like things are falling apart should be portrayed in fanfic, to do justice to what people go through when they have a mental illness. But often, it's not.
I wonder whether the fandom's reluctance to ascribe any sort of agency to Bucky has to do with the fact that they treat him like a "perfect victim." The predominant fandom interpretation is that Bucky was a perfect angelic saint and first the wartime torture broke him, and then Hydra just brainwashed and tortured him into becoming a weapon. It almost feels like if the case were different—like how the Winter Soldier played out in the comics—Bucky would not be the "perfect victim" and therefore irredeemable. But that's such a grossly simplistic way to view morality, and it kind of erases the fact that Bucky did murder people as the Winter Soldier. He may not be legally responsible for his actions, but he was the direct cause of their deaths and that's something that he has to deal with after he gets his memories back.
The predominant way Bucky is treated in fanfic and the fandom feels infantilizing and patronizing and almost voyeuristic, sometimes. The attitude feels like "oh wow look at what horrible things happened to Bucky and how horribly traumatized and dysfunctional he is now," when it should be "this is how Bucky is trying to make sense of what happened to him and move on with his life."
I wish I wasn't quite so invested in Bucky's story. I wish the comics and Ed Brubaker's run hadn't resonated so deeply with me that I've taken so much grief from the way the fandom evolved after the movie. But that's the way things have shaken out.
Postscript: There are ways to portray Bucky as being extremely traumatized/dysfunctional without being patronizing/voyeuristic about it. I've written a fic that I think did that pretty well.
