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rainwatersparkI'm starting to wonder if I've developed some sort of general anxiety because of law school. It's not bad enough to result in panic attacks and physical symptoms (...yet), but I find myself worried and feeling uneasy nearly all the time, and to put it mildly, it really doesn't feel good. It sucks to constantly have a voice in my head telling me that I've failed/going to fail at everything, that everything I write is worthless/inarticulate/stupid/accidentally offensive.
I've been trying to have a "Tumblr detox," so to speak, since (as I mentioned in a previous post) Tumblr has been the catalyst, if not exclusive cause, of my current anxiety. But it's like trying to quit an addiction/unhealthy habit, and so far I haven't been that successful. Today, oddly enough, I happened to stumble upon what I call the "dark side" of Tumblr—namely, r a d f e m and T E R F blogs (I'm spacing the words out in the hopes that they won't appear in a Google search, and from here on out I'll refer to them as RF/T-RF respectively). Up till now, I had actually been unfamiliar with what the RF/T-RF position was, except I had a notion that they were considered Bad by the "liberal"/"SJW" portion of Tumblr.
Well, today I finally found out. And yes, they are very transphobic, and it's bad.
But their idea that "gender is constructed"?
Okay, so, this is something I'd never feel comfortable posting on Tumblr, but it bears saying: I grew up with the very strong conviction that gender stereotypes are The Worst and if gender stereotypes are stripped away, there are no fundamental differences between men and women. Because of that...yes, I've had a hard time understanding trans issues for a long time. Because my belief has always been "Well why would you *want* to be either a man or woman? They're the same." So in that respect, I kind of understand what some RFs are trying to say.
HOWEVER. I believe that I have no business interfering with other people's lives, including what gender people identify as. And it's absolutely, absolutely horrible to use a belief that gender is constructed to invalidate the violence and transphobia that trans people experience.
But I think the issue at the center of it all is that—at least for myself, and quite possibly for society as a whole—gender is kind of a giant cluster***k. It is so heavily intertwined with gender stereotypes that it's hard—at least for me—to really know what's "left" of gender when you strip all the stereotypes and expectations away. And then you add sexism and internalized misogyny on top of it all, and the backlash to that, and it's just one giant mess that's impossible to untangle.
I've always believed that women can be cold, aggressive, rational, logical, into STEM, and not into dressing up or putting on makeup or caring about appearances at all. I've also always believed that men can be sensitive, empathetic, emotional, and interested in things traditionally coded "feminine." And when I started learning about feminism, I felt validated (because what I learned was that yes, women can be women no matter how they want to be women and feminine things shouldn't be devalued or deemed inferior). But the trouble is, if that's really the case, what's "left" of gender? We are so thoroughly conditioned from infancy to believe things are coded masculine or feminine that when you smash those assumptions and boundaries, how do you define "man" or "woman"?
I suppose that's why RFs/T-RFs cling to a biological definition, equating gender with sex with sex chromosomes + reproductive organs. But that equation doesn't sit right with me, knowing that it excludes intersex people and invalidates trans people.
So I guess what I'm saying is, I understand some of what RFs and T-RFs are trying to say, and I haven't resolved that tension within myself, but RFs and T-RFs are obviously deeply problematic and hurtful.
On a related note, RFs/T-RFs also don't believe in non-binary identities and view them as...anti-feminist, I guess, lamenting the tragedy of people who confuse gender stereotypes with gender and therefore feel like their only option is to declare themselves "nonbinary." Which is also a problematic view, but again, I do get what they're trying to say. And while I think it's a crappy thing to do to tell people they can't identify as one gender or another, I don't really have an "answer," either.
To be honest, I've been experiencing a similar thing recently in regards to my own gender identity. I've always felt partially alienated from my gender and desired to identify partially as the opposite gender, but because of the anti-gender stereotype belief I mentioned earlier, and also because of feminism, identifying as other than woman, even if partially, always felt like a "betrayal," in some way.
And I've never known whether I've felt this way because deep down I still conflate gender stereotypes with gender, because of cultural biases. Because I better identify with women who are not feminine and men who are sensitive, which is obviously anti-stereotype. Or maybe it's a context-dependent thing, because most of my friends around me growing up were not very feminine, so I never thought about my gender very much, but as I've gotten older, femininity has felt more compulsory, which I strongly rebel against.
I don't know. Gender is confusing.
I've been trying to have a "Tumblr detox," so to speak, since (as I mentioned in a previous post) Tumblr has been the catalyst, if not exclusive cause, of my current anxiety. But it's like trying to quit an addiction/unhealthy habit, and so far I haven't been that successful. Today, oddly enough, I happened to stumble upon what I call the "dark side" of Tumblr—namely, r a d f e m and T E R F blogs (I'm spacing the words out in the hopes that they won't appear in a Google search, and from here on out I'll refer to them as RF/T-RF respectively). Up till now, I had actually been unfamiliar with what the RF/T-RF position was, except I had a notion that they were considered Bad by the "liberal"/"SJW" portion of Tumblr.
Well, today I finally found out. And yes, they are very transphobic, and it's bad.
But their idea that "gender is constructed"?
Okay, so, this is something I'd never feel comfortable posting on Tumblr, but it bears saying: I grew up with the very strong conviction that gender stereotypes are The Worst and if gender stereotypes are stripped away, there are no fundamental differences between men and women. Because of that...yes, I've had a hard time understanding trans issues for a long time. Because my belief has always been "Well why would you *want* to be either a man or woman? They're the same." So in that respect, I kind of understand what some RFs are trying to say.
HOWEVER. I believe that I have no business interfering with other people's lives, including what gender people identify as. And it's absolutely, absolutely horrible to use a belief that gender is constructed to invalidate the violence and transphobia that trans people experience.
But I think the issue at the center of it all is that—at least for myself, and quite possibly for society as a whole—gender is kind of a giant cluster***k. It is so heavily intertwined with gender stereotypes that it's hard—at least for me—to really know what's "left" of gender when you strip all the stereotypes and expectations away. And then you add sexism and internalized misogyny on top of it all, and the backlash to that, and it's just one giant mess that's impossible to untangle.
I've always believed that women can be cold, aggressive, rational, logical, into STEM, and not into dressing up or putting on makeup or caring about appearances at all. I've also always believed that men can be sensitive, empathetic, emotional, and interested in things traditionally coded "feminine." And when I started learning about feminism, I felt validated (because what I learned was that yes, women can be women no matter how they want to be women and feminine things shouldn't be devalued or deemed inferior). But the trouble is, if that's really the case, what's "left" of gender? We are so thoroughly conditioned from infancy to believe things are coded masculine or feminine that when you smash those assumptions and boundaries, how do you define "man" or "woman"?
I suppose that's why RFs/T-RFs cling to a biological definition, equating gender with sex with sex chromosomes + reproductive organs. But that equation doesn't sit right with me, knowing that it excludes intersex people and invalidates trans people.
So I guess what I'm saying is, I understand some of what RFs and T-RFs are trying to say, and I haven't resolved that tension within myself, but RFs and T-RFs are obviously deeply problematic and hurtful.
On a related note, RFs/T-RFs also don't believe in non-binary identities and view them as...anti-feminist, I guess, lamenting the tragedy of people who confuse gender stereotypes with gender and therefore feel like their only option is to declare themselves "nonbinary." Which is also a problematic view, but again, I do get what they're trying to say. And while I think it's a crappy thing to do to tell people they can't identify as one gender or another, I don't really have an "answer," either.
To be honest, I've been experiencing a similar thing recently in regards to my own gender identity. I've always felt partially alienated from my gender and desired to identify partially as the opposite gender, but because of the anti-gender stereotype belief I mentioned earlier, and also because of feminism, identifying as other than woman, even if partially, always felt like a "betrayal," in some way.
And I've never known whether I've felt this way because deep down I still conflate gender stereotypes with gender, because of cultural biases. Because I better identify with women who are not feminine and men who are sensitive, which is obviously anti-stereotype. Or maybe it's a context-dependent thing, because most of my friends around me growing up were not very feminine, so I never thought about my gender very much, but as I've gotten older, femininity has felt more compulsory, which I strongly rebel against.
I don't know. Gender is confusing.
