(no subject)
Sep. 4th, 2009 04:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainwaterspark I wanted to write some prose to vent out my feelings vicariously, but...right now I'm more in the mood to vent directly.
There's this feeling you get when you're moving forward, a resistance, a feeling of not being prepared, the feeling that you can't handle what's coming next, that you're going to totally and utterly fail the next stage of your life. There are too many unknowns in the equation, the future is nebulous, something you're not sure of, something you can't grasp or plan or even feel the shape of.
This sounds childish, but sometimes I want to be a child forever. There was something comforting about the repeating cycle of school, summer, structured classes, knowing what to expect every year, even though there was a lot of hard work and some mental breakdown involved. Whenever I had free time, I could research whatever I wanted, learn about and get interested in whatever I wanted. Instead I'm on the road to adulthood--trying to figure out what I want to do for a career (I still don't know), trying to explore in order to narrow down the choices.
What job? How can I deal with society? Sometimes I really loathe that about myself--my inability to think of the right things to say at the right time, to deal with unpleasant people or situations. I always seem to be carrying around guilt for something; I am convinced that I always did something wrong, or inadequate. As much as I criticize myself, I'm always hurt by even the slightest criticism from others. I really hate that, and though I want to get rid of this, I can't. Something deep, psychological maybe. I really, really hate it. I hate not being able to stand up to anyone or anything. I hate feeling paralyzed by group discussions and unable to come up with anything (the psychological justification doesn't help).
I'm afraid that I will fail college. My family is paying full tuition for me to attend one of the most expensive, most prestigious colleges in the U.S., and I'm terrified that the investment will not pay off. I don't know what I want to do. I like language (both in terms of writing and foreign languages), and I like history, but what kind of career follows from those? I don't want to be a scientist. I don't want to go to medical school. Law school seems slim. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
I had a job over the summer that I completely botched. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get a real job.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.
There's this feeling you get when you're moving forward, a resistance, a feeling of not being prepared, the feeling that you can't handle what's coming next, that you're going to totally and utterly fail the next stage of your life. There are too many unknowns in the equation, the future is nebulous, something you're not sure of, something you can't grasp or plan or even feel the shape of.
This sounds childish, but sometimes I want to be a child forever. There was something comforting about the repeating cycle of school, summer, structured classes, knowing what to expect every year, even though there was a lot of hard work and some mental breakdown involved. Whenever I had free time, I could research whatever I wanted, learn about and get interested in whatever I wanted. Instead I'm on the road to adulthood--trying to figure out what I want to do for a career (I still don't know), trying to explore in order to narrow down the choices.
What job? How can I deal with society? Sometimes I really loathe that about myself--my inability to think of the right things to say at the right time, to deal with unpleasant people or situations. I always seem to be carrying around guilt for something; I am convinced that I always did something wrong, or inadequate. As much as I criticize myself, I'm always hurt by even the slightest criticism from others. I really hate that, and though I want to get rid of this, I can't. Something deep, psychological maybe. I really, really hate it. I hate not being able to stand up to anyone or anything. I hate feeling paralyzed by group discussions and unable to come up with anything (the psychological justification doesn't help).
I'm afraid that I will fail college. My family is paying full tuition for me to attend one of the most expensive, most prestigious colleges in the U.S., and I'm terrified that the investment will not pay off. I don't know what I want to do. I like language (both in terms of writing and foreign languages), and I like history, but what kind of career follows from those? I don't want to be a scientist. I don't want to go to medical school. Law school seems slim. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
I had a job over the summer that I completely botched. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get a real job.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.
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Date: 2009-09-04 09:00 pm (UTC)Once you've been there long enough, if there's a professor you connect enough with, try talking with him/her? He or she may be able to help you get internships in places you might be interested in, or open up a possibility you hadn't considered. Just talking about it can help, too.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-05 04:41 pm (UTC)I've been mapping out the next two semesters in my free time, so I don't think I'll lack diversity; now it just depends on finding what I like and exploring career options.
(Hey, you found me on LJ!)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-05 06:23 pm (UTC)(Yeah, I'm a stalker like that.)