On my world, it means hope.

Threads That Bind by Kika Hatzopoulou

Genre: YA, fantasy

I was interested in this book because it seemed to have a good reception and was also described as a fantasy noir. Also, because it's a retelling of Greek myths by a Greek author. But I just couldn't bring myself to read yet another story about how the magic-users are persecuted and discriminated against. I just...can't care when I think about how publishing discriminates so heavily against marginalized authors.



Curious Tides by Pascale Lacelle

Genre: YA, fantasy

I'm always interested in trying books that are described as dark academia, plus I heard this book sold in a huge deal at auction and was curious because the summary sounded bland. And...I found this book boring as hell.

It didn't help that the audiobook narrators both put me to sleep. But after trying to read the ebook, I knew I couldn't push through that writing style if I wasn't listening on audio.

The worldbuilding was the most interesting part, but it couldn't carry the story. For a book described as "dark academia," in the first 20% of the story, there was no actual academia. It was just a fantasy story that happened to be set at a school. If the book had been structured more around the characters learning about magic from their classes, I might have enjoyed it more.

(This might have been particularly stark to me because right before this book, I'd just read the sequel to The Marvellers by Dhonielle Clayton. It's not classified as dark academia, since it's Middle Grade (and therefore can't be as dark as YA or Adult fiction), but it reminded me of all the ways magical school stories can work well. If you have unique worldbuilding, a magical school is the perfect way you can exposit on how the world and the magic work without it feeling infodump-y.)

This also had the same issue as Threads That Bind: one class of magic-users, the "Eclipse-born," are discriminated against. And I just don't care. On top of that, the female protagonist ended up being yet another YA female protagonist who discovers she has special, unique, "dangerous" magic. And I DON'T CARE.

Speaking of the female protagonist, I didn't like Emory at all. It's hard to explain without sounding harsh, and maybe I've been partly influenced by the audiobook narrator sounding like she was on the verge of tears the entire time she narrated from Emory's POV, but Emory is that combination of wallflower female protagonist who gets unique, special powers that honestly feels like some kind of self-insert character. "Oh, she's shy, but the hot guys like her and she's secretly super powerful!!" NO, THANK YOU.



What Stalks Among Us by Sarah Hollowell

Genre: YA, horror

I may actually end up finishing this; I started to get invested in it right before my library hold was due.

I picked this up out of curiosity because the summary honestly sounded bonkers. I have to say, because of the terrible "dry spell" I've been having this year in regard to reading, I did something I usually don't do: I kept pushing through this book past the point where I would usually DNF. (It probably helped that, while I'm someone who usually doesn't go above 1x speed on audio due to my auditory processing issues, I realized this narrator spoke so slowly that I could easily increase the speed to 1.25x or even 1.50x and still understand.)

I do think this book doesn't pick up until after the 40% point, but then it becomes really compelling. That's my main problem with it: the beginning was way too slow. The author took too long to try to establish the creepiness of the corn maze, but I think she should have introduced Helena's character much sooner, because the book only becomes compelling after that.

Something else I kept thinking about was that, while Sadie is described as having ADHD and anxiety, she also comes off as very autistic-coded to me. I know there's overlap between ADHD and autism, but seriously, her thought patterns screamed "autism!" to me. I'm pretty sure this was unintentional representation, so I couldn't help wondering if the author is also an undiagnosed autistic...

When I was originally querying to try to get an agent, I often heard, "A bad agent is worse than no agent." And I often scoffed. "It's easy to say that when you already have an agent," I thought. "You don't understand how desperate querying authors are."

Well, now that I'm on the other side, I have to agree. A bad agent is worse than no agent.

I've started spiraling today because I'm increasingly getting the sense that my agent isn't aggressive enough in her submission strategy and that might have wasted a lot of my time. I've been on submission with Novel #4 since January of this year, and I have to be honest: I've been very mentally unwell for most of the year. I've talked a bit about it in previous blog posts, but to reiterate: I was so sure Novel #4 was commercial. Except it just fell flat for editors, for some reason. But no one has really identified a problem with the execution; it's all just vague form rejections or "I wasn't as invested in the story as I wanted."

The toll that took on my mental health was...really bad. I honestly feel like I've wasted this entire year stuck in a pit of severe, constant anxiety that prevented me from doing other things.

Because I still BELIEVE this book is good enough and hooky enough for a publisher to pick it up. I read traditionally published Adult Fantasy aggressively; I know this book is commercial.

So...since there are only two editors still considering my book, I asked my agent if we could go on submission in the UK. I've noticed that many agents for US-based Adult SFF authors regularly go on submission in the US and UK simultaneously, I think because the market is so small. I assumed my agent had strategic reasons for not wanting to do so and respected that. She even told me she was willing to consider UK publishers during the second round of submission (...and then proceeded not to do so and not explain to me why she'd changed her mind).

But...apparently my agent's reason for not going on submission to the UK was essentially "I've never done it before and the agency doesn't like the idea."

I've spoken to other authors who told me that going on submission to the UK actually helped them get a US deal/get a better US deal. Especially because UK editors read much more quickly than US editors, for some reason.

And now I can't help thinking that, if I had gone on submission on the UK and US simultaneously for this book, I might have already sold the book by now.

That's the part that kills me the most. I can't handle feeling like I've wasted so much time, that I've spent so much time stewing in anxiety and stress that could have been avoided.

And yes, this is one thing, but I'm starting to feel like there are a bunch of little things about my agent that have made me uncomfortable that are adding up to my desire to seek new representation. It's difficult, though, because there aren't any major red flags; she's supportive of whatever I want to write, and I think her pitch letters and submission lists are fine, and she is collaborative and welcomes my input on strategy. But here are the things that have made me uncomfortable over the years:

- With the novel I signed with her (Novel #3), I had the sense that she was giving up on the novel when it didn't sell after the first round. I remember being shocked on that phone call when she asked if I wanted to shelve it, even though when I pressed her, she said she had more editors she could go out to. Ultimately, I had to reach out to my mentor, who proposed a new submission strategy that I proposed to my agent. That strategy didn't end up working and the novel died on submission, and I think we should have persisted in submitting it as a romance instead of trying a new genre. But I felt forced into a corner because I got the sense that my agent was giving up.

- With Novel #3, there was a period in which an editor wanted to make an offer, but a month later, the answer we got back was a rejection. During that entire month, I never heard back from my agent, so I assumed the publisher still hadn't said anything and I was going out of my mind with the silence. I later learned that my agent had been corresponding with the publisher during that month, and she just...never told me. She implied I should have asked her if I wanted updates. But WHY would I assume she had been hiding things from me about a potential offer situation??? Especially since I had said on my offer call that I wanted full transparency regarding my career???

- In general, I said multiple times over our nearly 3-year relationship that knowing as much as possible was the only thing that assuaged my anxiety about submission, and she continually failed to inform me of things, including: her communications with the publisher who initially wanted to buy Novel #3, her decision to start a second round of submission for Novel #4 (even though I said I wanted to have a discussion before starting a new round), and she never followed up when I suggested a particular imprint to submit Novel #4 to.

- For the next novel, the one still on submission (Novel #4), I was impatient to get on submission ASAP, partly because I hated experiencing the death of my first novel on submission, partly because I was afraid publishers would decide to no longer prioritize diverse submissions (which ended up becoming true). My agent took a long time getting edit notes to me each time, which I didn't want to press her about because I didn't want to sound like a dick (her timelines also weren't overly long compared to other agents). But she also wanted to go through many rounds of edits and "take our time" editing, even though she had no developmental edits to suggest and only had clarifying questions/line edits. She also never brought up submission strategy until I brought up my own pitch proposal and argument for why now was a good time to go on submission based on other recent acquisitions. Which, again, I do like collaborating on submission strategy...but at the same time, I was worried that if she didn't have a vision for how to pitch my book and was only following my lead, she wasn't truly passionate about the book. And if she's unaware of market trends until I told her about them...? On top of all of that, she was very hesitant to provide a submission timeline, even when I asked.

- In April of this year, after we went on submission in January, I was beginning to spiral. I knew many people regularly received reassurances from their agent while dealing with anxiety, and while I had never done that before, I decided to give it a shot. Ultimately, the email she sent to me wasn't helpful. Instead of saying "I still love and believe in your book and will do everything I can to sell it," she told me I should reevaluate my career and what I really wanted to write. Which was not only useless advice, but also condescending, considering I've been trying to break into the traditional publishing industry since 2016. I've become more thick-skinned over the years, but I was still in a vulnerable mindset at the time; if I had been younger, her words probably would've made me break down.

- We had a phone call when we were down to two editors still considering Novel #4. She suggested my book was too "put-downable." I was honestly a bit annoyed and argued that that seemed completely subjective and wasn't feedback I could meaningfully incorporate into either this book or my future work, to which she had no response. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt since I knew from my own personal experience that some people try to frame failure as something you could have done differently even if it was completely out of your control, but I don't really appreciate being told I should have done something differently when we weren't given any concrete feedback as to something being poorly done in the manuscript and we have no control over industry trends.

- My two latest books, Novel #4 and Novel #5 (which is not yet finished), are deeply rooted in Chinese folklore and culture. My agent never asked me how to pronounce the characters' names or explain the Chinese cultural references that I said were foundational to my books after she admitted she had never heard of them. At the time, these seemed like small things, but in combination with everything else...

- I pitched Novel #5 to her. She was supportive, but objected to the level of violence in the book (which, by the way, is not even as bad as the violence in Game of Thrones). And I was like, (1) the level of violence is literally a major issue that the characters grapple with! It's not there gratuitously! And (2) this is an ADULT FANTASY? Since when am I not allowed to include violence in an ADULT fantasy novel???

- I sent her a pitch document I made for Novel #5, I think because I was subconsciously and preemptively wary after I had to present her a pitch strategy for Novel #4. She asked if I envisioned Novel #5 as a trilogy because of two of the comp titles I used. Except...NEITHER of those comp titles sold as trilogies. They both sold as duologies (and one of them read as a standalone, just like what I envisioned for Novel #5). This really didn't help my impression that she is less familiar with fantasy releases than the other genres she represents.

- Her explaining that the agency doesn't like submitting to the UK, as I explained above, really made me uncomfortable. To be fair, this seems to be an issue with the agency, not necessarily her decision, but the reasons they provided either made no sense or seemed way overblown, including:

• "If you don't sell well in the UK, you might not get another book deal" - Oh, you mean like exactly the same thing that would happen with a US publisher if I don't sell well in the US???
• "UK publishers don't pay much" - I have literally seen six-figure preempts from UK publishers this year. That's just blatantly not true.
• "You might not see your books in US bookstores if you have a UK deal" - I mentioned that several UK SFF publishers seemed to have obtained US distribution rights recently (because I see their books in my local bookstore and I'm able to buy their ebooks in the US). She did not address that point at all.
• "UK publishers might get world rights" - (a) Isn't it literally her job to negotiate and try to retain world rights for me? (b) US publishers have already rejected my book, so why does that matter at this point?
• "UK publishers may not do much marketing in the US" - (a) Wouldn't it be logical that they would do most of their marketing in the UK? (b) US publishers don't always guarantee marketing efforts either???
• "You would have to pay more taxes and fees" - (a) Double taxation agreements exist, so...this sounds like fake news; (b) the exchange rate between US dollars and pounds is favorable...

And again, I don't understand why we shouldn't be aggressive now that it seems likely the book will die in the US. Not wanting to go on submission in the UK at the start of submission for strategic reasons is something I can consider, but why is no deal considered better than a UK deal???

- I told her I wanted to proceed with UK sub. She then asked me AGAIN to confirm that I was okay with all the negative reasons not to sell to the UK. That was when I realized that even though she said twice that she was willing to support me, for some reason, she was now actively trying to talk me out of pursuing this course of action. She wasn't treating me like a business partner; if she had, we would've had a discussion about the pros and cons, the risks and what we can do to mitigate the risks, and how we can strategize if my career isn't ideal. Instead, she didn't even reassure me that she would try to negotiate to hold onto North American rights until I specifically asked her, and even then, she framed it as "I'll try but it might not be possible." Like...I negotiate contracts for a living. I know there are always things you have to give up on, but also that you should fight like hell to get your client the best possible contract. The fact that she wouldn't even say that she would do her best to fight for my interests left me both not reassured and also wondering how much she planned on negotiating at all.

So...yeah.

Right now, I'm thinking that if Novel #4 dies after the UK submission round, I will do some serious reflection on whether to leave my agent before going on submission with Novel #5, since I'll at least have something fresh to query other agents with.

It's that time again!

Lots of fantasy titles I'm excited for next year. Generally my reading tastes have been SFF and mysteries/thrillers, with the occasional horror novel. Romance I don't really read anymore (unless it's a romance with BIPOC leads, in which case I'll give it a try).

1. A Place for Vanishing by Ann Fraistat: January 16, 2024

(YA, horror) I can never resist a haunted house book.

2. Into the Sunken City by Dinesh Thiru: January 23, 2024

(YA, sci-fi, heist) Treasure Island in a sunken future Las Vegas? Yes, please.

3. Everyone On This Train Is a Suspect by Benjamin Stevenson: January 30, 2024

(Adult, mystery) I actually couldn't finish the first book in this series, so I may DNF this one as well, but...a murder in a confined space, and all the suspects are authors? Those are some of my favorite mystery tropes ever.

4. These Deadly Prophecies by Andrea Tang: January 30, 2024

(YA, fantasy, mystery) Knives Out with magic? I'll read it.

5. The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett: February 6, 2024

(Adult, fantasy, mystery) Haven't read this author before, but I'll read a fantasy Sherlock and Holmes mystery.

6. A Tempest of Tea by Hafsah Faizal: February 20, 2024

(YA, fantasy, heist) I sadly didn't enjoy We Hunt the Flame, but I will always give a fantasy heist book a go.

7. Fathomfolk by Eliza Chan: February 27, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) Gorgeous cover + Asian mythology in a submerged city.

8. Where Sleeping Girls Lie by Faridah Abike-Iyimide: March 19, 2024

(YA, thriller)

9. Darker By Four by June CL Tan: April 2, 2024

(YA, fantasy) I had mixed feelings about the author's debut, but I'm willing to give a Chinese urban fantasy about the Underworld a try.

10. Ghost Station by SA Barnes: April 9, 2024

(Adult, sci-fi, horror) I really enjoyed the author's previous space horror, Dead Silence, so I'm stoked for this one too.

11. The Last Phi Hunter by Salinee Goldenberg: April 9, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) Thai fantasy? Cool!!

12. Kill Her Twice by Stacey Lee: April 23, 2024

(YA, mystery)

13. Love, Lies, and Cherry Pie by Jackie Lau: May 7, 2024

(Adult, romance)

14. Five Broken Blades by Mai Corland: May 7, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) To be honest, I've had no interest in any of the romantasy being put out by Red Tower Books, but this synopsis sounds really cool??

15. Road to Ruin by Hana Lee: May 14, 2024

(Adult, fantasy)

16. Heavenbreaker by Sara Wolf: May 21, 2024

(Adult, sci-fi) “sci-fantasy New Adult book about a girl piloting a giant robot against a space monarchy” Welp, say no more!!

17. Escape Velocity by Victor Manibo: May 21, 2024

(Adult, sci-fi, mystery)

18. The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton: May 21, 2024

(Adult, sci-fi, mystery) I had mixed feelings about The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle, but although I had issues with it, I did find it un-putdownable, so I'm interested in another speculative mystery from this author.

19. One Perfect Couple by Ruth Ware: May 21, 2024

(Adult, thriller) I thought Ruth Ware already wrote her And Then There Were None homage in One By One, but it looks like she's doing another one. And even though I DNF most of her books, I do find them readable, and I can never resist an ATTWN-inspired thriller.

20. Four Eids and a Funeral by Faridah Abike-Iyimide and Adiba Jaigirdar: June 4, 2024

(YA, romance)

21. The God and the Gumiho by Sophie Kim: June 4, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) A contemporary investigative fantasy with a gumiho and fallen god protagonist? Sounds like it was written to my taste exactly.

22. Looking For Smoke by KA Cobell: June 4, 2024

(YA, thriller)

23. Of Jade and Dragons by Amber Chen: June 18, 2024

(YA, fantasy) Gorgeous cover + silkpunk fantasy.

24. Daughter of Calamity by Rosalie Lin: June 18, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) Can't say no to fantasy set in Republican-era Shanghai.

25. The Eyes Are the Best Part by Monika Kim: June 25, 2024

(Adult, horror)

26. The Spice Gate by Prashanth Srivatsa: July 16, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) Indian fantasy about people who use spices to travel between kingdoms? Yes!

27. Nine Tailed by Jayci Lee: August 1, 2024

(Adult, fantasy, romance) The second contemporary fantasy romance featuring a gumiho and Korean mythology? I'll take it.

28. The Girl With No Reflection by Keshe Chow: August 6, 2024

(YA, fantasy)

29. Ghostsmith by Nicki Pau Preto: August 13, 2024

(YA, fantasy) I enjoyed Bonesmith, so I'm curious about the sequel.

30. A Banh Mi for Two by Trinity Nguyen: August 27, 2024

(YA, romance)

31. The Gods Below by Andrea Stewart: September 3, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) I didn't finish the Drowned Empire trilogy, but I'll give a new fantasy world by this author a try.

32. This Book Kills by Ravena Guron: September 3, 2024

(YA, thriller) So, spoiler alert, I've already read this book because my friend got me a copy from the UK, but I'm so excited for the US release and can't wait to buy a US copy!

33. The Scarlet Throne by Amy Leow: September 10, 2024

(Adult, fantasy)

34. An Academy for Liars by Alexis Henderson: September 17, 2024

(Adult, horror) Ummm I have never read this author before and just heard of this book, but consider me INTRIGUED.

35. The Lies We Conjure by Sarah Henning: September 17, 2024

(YA, fantasy, mystery) Every book that has comped to Knives Out so far has disappointed me, but I can't help reading them regardless.

36. Darkside by Michael Mammay: September 24, 2024

(Adult, sci-fi) I love Planetside, so how can I say no to another entry in the series?

37. The Dark Becomes Her by Judy I. Lin: October 1, 2024

(YA, horror) More horror with non-Western myths and folklore, please!

38. Zodiac Rising by Katie Zhao: October 1, 2024

(YA, fantasy, heist) Chinese urban fantasy + zodiac magic + heist??

39. The Nightmare Before Kissmas by Sara Raasch: October 8, 2024

(Adult, romance, fantasy) A queer romance between the son of Santa Claus and the Prince of Halloween? SAY NO MORE!!

40. The Last Dragon of the East by Katrina Kwan: October 8, 2024

(Adult, fantasy, romance) I don't know anything about this except it's a Chinese romantasy with a dragon?

41. The Bitter End by Alexa Donne: October 15, 2024

(YA, thriller) I've enjoyed this author's previous two thrillers, so I'm excited for her next one.

42. The Blood Orchid by Kylie Lee Baker: October 22, 2024

(YA, fantasy) I had mixed feelings about The Scarlet Alchemist, but since I thought the sequel in the author's previous duology was better than the first book, I'll give the sequel to TSA a try.

43. Everyone This Christmas Has a Secret by Benjamin Stevenson: October 22, 2024

(Adult, mystery)

44. Fortune's Kiss by Amber Clement: November 12, 2024

(YA, fantasy)

45. The Last Hour Between Worlds by Melissa Caruso: November 19, 2024

(Adult, fantasy) Fantasy with a time loop/reality-bending shenanigans? I'm curious.

46. Heavenly Tyrant by Xiran Jay Zhao: December 24, 2024

(YA, fantasy, sci-fi)

47. Temporary Bodies by Anuradha Rajurkar: 2024

(YA, gothic)

Remember how I said I was going to take a break from writing this year?

Hahahaha. Yeah. I remember that, too.

So, guess who's NOT taking a break from writing this year???

I started a new project in July. I was very hesitant to commit to it, because if traditional publishers don't think Novel #4 is commercial, then this book is absolutely the opposite of commercial. It's deeply influenced by the kind of genre-blending fanfiction I used to read, as well as Chinese xianxia/wuxia danmei novels such as The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, Heaven Official's Blessing, and The Husky and His White Cat Shizun. There are anime-style fight scenes and meditations on grief, loss, and depression mixed with sweet, fluffy romantic scenes. Basically, all the genre-blending that traditional publishing does not want.

I wrote the first 4 chapters in a feverish sprint over one weekend, as a kind of "proof of concept." Then I sent them to some beta readers.

Aaaand of course, being the enablers they are, my beta readers all encouraged me to keep writing. Lol.

Anyway, my current plan is to try to write the first 50% of this book (with a target wordcount of 45k words, minimum) by the end of the month. It sounds ludicrous, but I already have nearly 30k words down, plus I'm taking some time off from work next week, so it's potentially doable. Though, of course, all of my deadlines are self-imposed, so it's not like there's any consequence for missing them.

I also have a pretty detailed outline for the first half of this book, while the second half is...decidedly more vague. So I'm thinking of getting beta reader feedback on the first half while taking a pause from drafting to actually, you know, figure out the second half, haha.

It's been therapeutic and cathartic to use this story as a way to vent my angry feelings about my publishing journey and the industry. I'm keeping my expectations low, though I guess I have a history of writing my best work when I can detach myself from the pressures of the publishing industry. I'm having fun, and that's the most important thing.

I think it's probably a good thing that I've never really thought about a long-term writing career, because the financial realities are too unstable for that to be possible for most authors. I just write whatever stories I'm passionate about and want to share with readers. If I ever ran out of stories to tell, I guess I'd stop. But until then, I just take writing one story at a time.

The only thing I know is that I want to read more. And I hope to be able to absorb enough to write my own Chinese fantasy novel(s) one day.

I'm back from a family vacation, which was wonderful and relaxing, but now that I'm back home I'm once again drowning in stress and remembering the 754918 things I'm behind on and stressing over being on submission...again.

Like most other writers, I've been following the developments regarding AI for generating stories. It's kind of ironic that right now, attempting to write any new story brings me so much pain that I can't bring myself to do it.

But it's not because I hate writing. It's because submission and the publishing industry have ground me down so much, my soul feels like glass dust and I can't remember what it feels like to write for joy.

I don't understand why anyone who either doesn't have story ideas or hates the act of writing would want to produce a book. As I writer, I find so much joy in thinking and talking about writing process, narrative devices, structure, tropes. Why would someone want to use AI to skip all of that? What is the point of producing a book, then?

I'm honestly too tired to go on a rant regarding all the problems with AI, the devaluing of writers' labor, the attitude of tech bros that getting a computer to write a book feels like a game to win instead of an issue that impacts real humans and will incentivize corporations to pay writers even less than they already make.

I'm just...tired.

I'm on week 10 of being on submission, and the last update I heard was from a month ago. I've reached the stage of being on submission at which I'm beginning to think my book no longer exists.

Kind of like how if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, did it really fall? Except if you write a book, but no one buys it--or even has anything to say about it--does it actually exist?

Failures in traditional publishing have really messed with my ability to write anything new. Any time I start, my brain can't help but think "this is a stupid idea" "these characters are two-dimensional" "traditional publishers won't want this, so what's the point". Like I could force myself to write a novella/murder mystery/sequel, but all I can think is...what's the point? I clearly don't know what traditional publishers want.

I think my anxiety over submission has dulled, but at the same time, the physical symptoms are still there--trouble sleeping, tinnitus, fatigue and inability to focus.

Sigh.

While there are many people who are honest about the difficulties of querying and trying to get an agent, far fewer people are open about the next step after that: going on submission and trying to sell your book to publishers. There is a deep fear that speaking honestly about publishers will lead to authors getting blacklisted, since so much of this opaque, cloak-and-dagger industry revolves around personal relationships and the fact that the supply of authors' and aspiring authors' manuscripts will always outstrip demand.

Well, this is an anonymous blog, so screw it. I'm going to be honest.

I'm very, very tired of traditional publishing.

I know being bitter isn't productive, but I can't help being bitter after the experiences I've had and the stress I've been experiencing every day since going on submission with my second book (the second book with my agent, not the second book I've ever written). Authors who have gotten agents and book deals quickly have skewed views of the industry. I struggled to get an agent, I watched my first book die on submission, and I now understand why the industry is so brutal that there are so many voiceless, unknown, marginalized authors who must have given up before me.

My first book didn't die because it "wasn't good enough." It was a goddamned Jane Austen retelling. Its central message was that having depression doesn't make you less worthy of love. It starred queer characters of color.

Guess what? Nobody wanted it.

If I ever encounter one of those white, allocishet, abled dudebros who whine about how no one wants their books anymore because publishing only wants marginalized authors, I may scream. It's not true. It's absolutely not true. The representation of queerness, the Chinese American experience, and depression in my book meant absolutely jack shit to traditional publishing.

Now I'm on submission with another book, also about queer Asians, and I'm terrified of it also dying on sub.

Here's the thing. I've spent over a decade honing my writing skills. While I do look back at my indie-published books with some regret (partially because I didn't have much developmental editing from the indie publisher—though Novel #2 held up relatively well when I reread it a year or two ago apart from the weak mystery plot), I am damn proud of the last two books I've written. My latest book (Novel #4) is my most ambitious, commercial project to date.

I am damn proud of the way I build characters, the way I weave tension into my stories by withholding information, the way I often use dialogue to convey information and thereby avoid infodumps.

I am absolutely certain that the premise of my book is high concept and a compelling hook.

And it just kills me to think that none of this means anything to editors who reject books due to subjective preferences. There is never any acknowledgement of the things I do well. It's always just "for [X very specific reason], I'm going to have to pass."

It is so, so tiring to realize that writing is the one career in which the reward is never proportional to the time and energy you invest in it. If I work harder at my day job, I'd get promoted and a raise in salary. If I write another book, I'll just be playing traditional publishing's lottery again.

And sure, I have another round of editors my agent can submit my book to if this round falls flat, but the second round will be mostly smaller publishers. And I'd really, really hoped I could turn my book into a 4- or 5-book series, which ideally would happen with the support of a bigger publisher. If I had just wanted to publish a standalone, I'd be all for a smaller publisher just to get my name out there, but for a series? Getting a $5k per book advance wouldn't be sustainable to write that many books.

This book was the most commercial idea I've ever had. If this falls flat, I don't know what traditional publishing wants anymore.

I don't know. I'm just tired.

Just a bunch of random thoughts I had lately on some books—one review and a few rambles on openings of books that haven't come out yet.


Aces Wild by Amanda DeWitt

Genre: YA, contemporary

I've got to be honest, I wouldn't have finished this book if not for the fact that I started playing Persona 5 and realized that Akechi's voice actor was the narrator for this audiobook. He does a great job, don't get me wrong, but the thing is that despite being called "a heist," this book isn't really a heist story. It's more about five asexual friends chilling and trying to F up a major casino mogul. Which is fine if that's what you're looking for, but not if you were expecting an exciting heist story.



Thoughts on Shanghai Immortal by AY Chao

The first chapter of this book was posted online, so I read it out of curiosity.

I feel bad about nitpicking books by Chinese diaspora authors, I really do, but there were a couple of things that really bugged me from the first chapter:

1. The King of Hell, Yanluo, is referred to as "Big Wang" by the main character (Jing). I'm assuming the author meant 大王，which can be translated as "big Wang." Here's the problem, though. "Wang" (王) in this context isn't Yanluo's name, but his title; the name Yanluowang is supposed to be "King Yanluo," not "Wang" as a surname. So when Chinese people call him 大王，it's supposed to be an honorific, like "Master" or "Your Majesty." It's not supposed to function like the affectionate "big [surname]"/"little [surname]" that is a thing in Chinese culture. Seeing that in this book just drove me up the wall.

2. Jing pulling her qipao up to her thighs because she's so hot and then saying if anyone caught her, she'd be criticized for not showing Confucian modesty—my friends, Confucius was about describing relationships in society, not policing dress codes. Qipao didn't even exist when Confucius was alive. I hate the way Confucianism is invoked to explain everything conservative about Chinese culture, as though Chinese people walk around thinking "what would Confucius say about _____?" because NO ONE THINKS LIKE THAT. (Also, qipao have a slit up one side! How is she still hot if that's the case?!!)

3. The way Tony Lee spoke, like "this humble servant begs Lady Jing [blah blah blah]," annoyed me. I get that it's trying to translate a specific cultural norm in Mandarin, but in this case, it came off as, I don't know, feeling really disingenuous in English? I think She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan was able to pull off that style of translation, but that was also a historical, more literary-feeling book where that kind of language didn't feel so out of place. Here, it felt to me like a caricature.



Thoughts on Delicious Monsters by Liselle Sambury

I read the first four-ish chapters of this book ahead of its release. I was initially excited for this because I'm still on the hunt for good haunted house books, but I'm starting to think I just don't gel with Liselle Sambury's writing style.

For both this book and her debut, Blood Like Magic, I felt like the pacing was way too slow and there's too much infodumping in the beginning. I may make another attempt to get through this book by listening to the audiobook, but I know I won't be able to read a print/ebook copy because I found myself exasperated with how slowly the story was moving. While I normally enjoy dual timelines, I feel like the timing of the two POVs in this book didn't work for me because the present timeline told us that Daisy from the past timeline was going to die in a haunted house before Daisy even mentions the *idea* of moving to a house. I feel that dual timelines should each enhance the tension of the other timeline, but that didn't happen in this book.

I also couldn't tell when the timelines were supposed to take place. I feel like I read somewhere online that Daisy's timeline was supposed to take place in the early 00s? But that didn't make sense because she talks so much about social media and influencer culture, and that was absolutely not a thing in the early 00s. Even if her timeline took place in 2013, Instagram wasn't nearly as big then as it is now.

Happy New Year! And I've got some book reviews...for books I didn't finish reading.

I feel like I've been DNF'ing a lot of books lately. Maybe it's because I listen to a lot of audiobooks now, and I often tend to stick it out with an audiobook longer than I would with a print/ebook---things like writing style bother me less in an audiobook than a print book, in which I'd usually end up DNF'ing after the first chapter.



A Restless Truth by Freya Marske

Genre: Adult, historical fantasy, queer romance

DNF about 60%.

I picked this up solely because it had Knives Out as a comp title, and I couldn't resist the idea of a murder mystery on a boat. So far, I've been disappointed by books that use Knives Out as a comp title, and this one was no exception.

Essentially, the murder mystery vanishes by the 50% mark, and the rest of the book is just a straight-up fantasy. The magic was interesting, but I found myself not caring about the characters enough to keep reading.



Five Survive by Holly Jackson

Genre: Young Adult, thriller

I DNF'ed this about a third of the way through and then skipped to the end.

I've had Holly Jackson's A Good Girl's Guide to Murder on my library holds for a while, simply because it seems so popular. But I ended up feeling very bored by Five Survive. I adore thrillers where the main characters are all keeping secrets from each other (such as You'll Be the Death of Me by Karen M. McManus), but this one lost me. I felt like it took way too long to reach the central premise of the book as described in the summary; 25% of the book was a long time to spend reading about the characters arguing with each other as they're driving in an RV. The book also didn't do a good job at hinting that the characters were hiding secrets from each other, so there was very little tension in the beginning, either. And by the time the main characters' lives were in danger, I just didn't care enough about them to care about what was going on. So I skipped to the end, and it sounded like the plot got really dark and also broke a lot of suspension of disbelief.



Heart of the Sun Warrior by Sue Lynn Tan

Genre: Adult, fantasy

This one hurt to DNF at about 39%, because I adored Daughter of the Moon Goddess, the first book in the series. I may pick this book back up at a later point, though spoilers I've read about in reviews make me feel like I wouldn't have enjoyed the ending anyway.

My main problem with this book was that the episodic format of the plot didn't work for me. It worked in the first book because (1) that was a coming of age story, and (2) Xingyin always had an overarching goal---to free/return to her mother---which unified the episodic events. In this book, however, Xingyin feels very reactive as a character: the plot consists of her reacting to one danger to the next, and it was never clear where the plot was going overall.

Also, while I loved Xingyin in the first book, here she feels unnecessarily impulsive and reckless, and that soured my enjoyment of the book. Plus, both Liwei and Wenzhi felt like blank slates without any personality except "desperately in love with Xingyin."

(Deep, heavy sigh.)